How Quickly Do You Forget?

I’ve become very good at forgetting. I can forget why I walked into a room. I can start a task, get distracted, and an hour later remember what I was originally going to do. A couple weeks ago, I forgot my oldest daughter’s wedding anniversary.

Those things aren’t good, but there’s a type of forgetting that’s far worse. It’s an intentional forgetting. Maybe a better term for it is ignoring. And I guess when carried to the extreme, it’s really called rebellion.

Right before the nation of Israel is going to enter the Promised Land, Moses reminds them of their history and gives them their final instructions from God. He’s reminding them of things and teaching them things they’ll need to remember once they cross the Jordan River to take possession of the land of Canaan.

In Deuteronomy 8, he tells them:

When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God.

Soon after speaking these words to Israel, Moses dies, and Joshua leads them into the Promised Land. And for a time, Israel remembers and obeys. For a time.

After the death of Joshua, there was no one to lead Israel and they fell into a period of several hundred years where they forgot God. They ignored Him. They rebelled against Him. This period in their history is recorded in the book of Judges.

After one period of peace, it says, “Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord, and for seven years He gave them into the hands of the Midianites.” (Judges 6:1)

Israel eventually cries out to God for help and He rescues them by using Gideon and three hundred men to defeat an army of over 100,000. During Gideon’s lifetime, Israel once again enjoyed a period of peace for 40 years.

It doesn’t last though.

“No sooner had Gideon died than the Israelites again prostituted themselves to the Baals.” (Judges 8:33)

Do you ever wonder what in the world these people were thinking? Wasn’t it clear to them that things were better when they walked according to God’s ways? How could they so quickly forget what God had done for them?

Um, I do that. I forget. But again, that’s the kind word. I ignore, I rebel.

It’s easy to cry out to God in the desert, isn’t? It’s uncomfortable. We have needs. We want relief.

But when we enter the good land or when there are extended seasons of peace and provision, we tend to prostitute ourselves to our pleasures and distractions and other interests.

Like Israel, I forget. Do you?

So what are we to do? Is there any way out of the “cry out to God, experience His help, then forget Him,” cycle?

I think there is, but it requires a new priority and a new source of power.

If our priority is comfort or security or peace or pleasant circumstances, then once we have that, we will forget God. We won’t feel the urgency to seek Him. Why? Because we have from Him what we want.

We need a new priority. One that doesn’t change based on circumstances or feelings. Our priority needs to be a simple one. A very simple one. It simply needs to be to grow deeper in our friendship with God. Whether things are good or bad or somewhere in between, our goal doesn’t change. We want a deeper friendship with God. Period.

We also need a new source of power. Our own strength won’t cut it. We need God’s power. And that comes from the Holy Spirit. In Ephesians 1, Paul writes:

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

The Israelites didn’t have the Holy Spirit living in them, but if you have placed your faith in Christ, you do. You have the full power of God living in you. And we most fully experience His power when we most fully surrender.

So how quickly do you forget God?

If your answer is “pretty quick,” then it’s a sign you need a new priority and a new source of power.

How Much of What You Think About is True?

I was just doing a little research today to see how many thoughts the average person has each day. Opinions vary widely. One source said 2,400. Another said 55,000 and another 70,000. Interestingly, the article that said 2,400 also said that world-class athletes have less thoughts, which leads to greater focus. Or would it be greater focus leads to less thoughts?

My point though is that whether the number is 2,400 or 70,000 or somewhere in between, you and I do a lot of thinking.

So how much of what you think about is actually true? A related question, and just as important, is this: how much of what you think about do you think is true?

Let’s start with the last question.

I’m going to say that you and I tend to believe that most of what we think about is actually true. Whether it is or not. We just assume that most of our thoughts are right ones. If we knew them to be false, we wouldn’t keep thinking them, would we?

For example…

We think God is disappointed with us. He’s not, but we think He is, so we keep thinking it and then don’t feel right about approaching Him.

A young woman thinks if she has sex with her boyfriend, he’ll be more committed to her. Of course, it didn’t work with the last boyfriend or the one before that, but that doesn’t stop her from thinking it. More likely, the opposite is true.

A football player keeps thinking about the mistakes he could make that would cost his team the game. His confidence suffers and so does his performance.

A guy thinks that looking at pornography is harmless fun, but doesn’t realize he’s falling into a trap that will soon become an addiction. If he knew he’d soon be addicted, he might not be so quick to do it.

Or maybe it’s just all the subtle little thoughts we hardly pay attention to any more because we’ve completely convinced ourselves they’re true: I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty. I’m not smart. I always fail. I’ll never change. God won’t come through for me. I’ll never make it.

You get the point. We tend to think that most of our thoughts are true. That’s why we keep thinking them and giving them more power over us.

Our thoughts are the catalyst behind our emotions. I just don’t suddenly feel anxious–my thoughts cause that feeling. Fear or worry don’t just appear from nowhere–I give birth to them by what I think about, by what I believe is true.

Don’t believe everything you think. If even just 10% of our 2,400 thoughts are wrong, that means in any given day, we have 240 wrong thoughts. That’s not so bad if you thought it was going to be sunny, but it rained instead or you thought the Cowboys would win, but they lost.

The problem comes when we consistently have wrong thoughts about God, about ourselves, about others and about this life. From my own experience, the more I dwell on a wrong thought about God or myself, the stronger it becomes. It begins to exert more power and control over me.

Of course, the opposite can also be true. As I think about and believe the truth about God and myself, I begin to experience more of the life God intends for me. I experience more peace and less worry.

So how do we know which thoughts are true and which aren’t?

Ultimately, our only hope is in God’s word. There is no other reliable source of truth. Now of course if you think the rash on your arm is skin cancer, then the wise thing to do would be to see a doctor. Let her examine you and tell you the truth.

But most of our thoughts don’t need to be tested by a doctor. They need to be tested by God.

So how do we practically do that?

In yesterday’s post, I talked about developing a relationship with the Holy Spirit. That’s step one. There’s no substitute for having God Himself living inside us revealing truth to us. The Holy Spirit is our teacher, counselor and helper. He will never leave us or fail us. You can always trust Him to reveal the truth about you, God and this life.

The Bible is unlike any other book that will ever be written, because the Author Himself lives inside everyone who has placed their faith in Christ. There are many good Christian books, but those authors aren’t present with us as we read. And their words are not without error. We must allow God’s word to fill our minds and change how we think.

The Holy Spirit and the Word of God are a powerful combination. As you invest time reading the Bible, the Holy Spirit can speak to you and teach you and counsel you. He can cause a verse to jump off the page. He can guide you to promises He has for you. He alone can renew your mind. He can reveal wrong thought patterns you’ve held onto for years and replace them with truth.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:4-9)

We can’t present our requests to God and then go right back to our wrong thoughts. We can’t just let our minds dwell on whatever they want to. We present our requests and then actively think about truth. We ask the Holy Spirit for His help. We spend time in God’s word to counteract the wrong way of thinking we’re bombarded with from the world each day.

Why not begin to question some of what you think about. Even those thoughts you’ve had for a long time. Those might be the ones that are giving you the most trouble.

The Holy Spirit. The Word of God. And choosing to think about the truth. It’s the only way.

The Holy Spirit

In Luke 11, Jesus’ disciples ask Him to teach them how to pray. After He models a prayer for them, He goes on to say:

“Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.’

“Then the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man’s boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs.

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

If you’re like me, you gravitate to the “ask and it will be given to you” part. Not even the seeking and knocking parts. Just the asking and receiving part.

Is that where you go too?

What’s really catching my attention today though is the very last thing Jesus said, “…how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Sure seems like Jesus is more excited about us asking for the Holy Spirit than anything else. Does that excite you though? I mean, would you rather have a financial breakthrough or the Holy Spirit? Would you rather experience physical healing or experience the Holy Spirit?

I’ll be honest, if I have a financial need or I’m  sick…I think I know what I want. Are you with me?

Fortunately, Jesus isn’t forcing us into a corner and making us choose. He doesn’t say it’s an either/or proposition. We can ask for financial help and also ask for the Holy Spirit. If we need healing, we can ask for that and ask for the Holy Spirit.

I know for some of us, the Holy Spirit is a bit of a mystery. Sure, we know He’s God, but it’s a little hard to relate to Him, right? Even if our earthly father wasn’t very good (thankfully mine was), we all know what it’s like to have a father, so we can relate to God the Father. And Jesus, God the Son, was human just like us. We can understand relating to another person.

But the Holy Spirit? It can be a little harder to understand Him. And yet Jesus had a lot to say about Him in John 14-16. Maybe it would be worth spending some time there.

Now here’s the really good news. If you’ve placed your faith in Christ, you don’t have to ask for the Holy Spirit. You already have Him. He’s living in you right now.

So rather than asking the Father to give us the Holy Spirit, maybe our prayer needs to be, “Holy Spirit, I give myself to you. All of me. Wholeheartedly. I hold nothing back.”

It’s really the only path to experiencing the full, abundant life God has for us. It doesn’t come through self-effort or hard work or manipulation. It comes through full and complete surrender to a person, to the Holy Spirit.

What’s stopping you from giving yourself to Him right now?

Exchanging the Truth For a Lie

For my wife’s birthday last week, I bought a shirt for her online. She likes it, but called me earlier today to let me know she was going to exchange it because it’s too big.

Exchanging a shirt isn’t a big deal. Some exchanges are though. Here’s how Paul put it in Romans 1:18-25…

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

Paul starts out telling us that creation clearly reveals a Creator, but we suppress that truth. We prefer to do our own thing and go our own way rather than submit to the One who created us for Himself. Doing our own thing and going our own way is the essence of sin.

Because God has made Himself plain to us, Paul tells us that we are without excuse. No one will ever have the right to stand before God and say, “I didn’t know.”

The truth is that we did know, but chose to suppress it.

Suppressing the truth leads to futile thinking and foolish, darkened hearts. And this condition leads us to the first exchange:

We exchange the glory of God for images or idols.

You and I were designed to worship and serve. And we get to choose who will be the object of that worship and service. We can choose God or someone or something else. If we don’t choose God, then whatever else we choose becomes our god or idol.

Because God gives us the choice, He also allows us to experience the consequences of our choice. Paul explains that God gives us over to our sinful desires. This leads to another exchange:

We exchange the truth of God for a lie.

We then worship and serve created things rather than the Creator Himself.

Let’s look at how this plays out in our lives.

We choose to not submit to God. We have our own plans, goals and desires that come first. And so we set out living life on our terms. We may even attend church and pick up our Bible now and then, but we have no real intention of surrendering ourselves to God, so that we worship and serve Him only.

But remember–we are designed to worship and serve. Our hearts need an object to be devoted to.

Maybe it’s a result of how we were raised or friends we had in high school or books we read in college, but we find ourselves desiring something. Again, it could be a person, a thing, a feeling. Whatever. Maybe it’s money.

And so money becomes our god, our idol.

That might lead to not giving generously or even worse–being stingy. Why? Because we need our money. To give it away is to give away all it can do for us. Why would we want to give away our god, the thing that makes us feel powerful or happy or secure?

There’s a problem though. We find that we don’t ever have quite enough money because it really can’t deliver all those things it promises. And so we work longer and harder to earn more of it. When our home or 401k loses value, we worry and become anxious.

Keep in mind, we’ve exchanged the truth of God for a lie. Only God can provide true security and happiness. Money can’t, but when money is our idol–we listen to its lies. Money tells us that with enough of it in the bank, we can feel secure. Money tells us that we’ll be happy if we have new jeans, a better television or a newer car.

Maybe money isn’t your idol, but sex is. The sex idol lies by telling us that pornography will make us feel good or that sex with someone we’re not married to will be thrilling. Idols fail to mention the guilt and shame that follow.

A couple days ago, I saw this ad for a Las Vegas hotel in Delta Airlines magazine and snapped a picture with my phone:

The caption at the bottom reads, “Just the right amount of wrong.”

That’s the lie many of our idols whisper.

“Just a little won’t hurt.”

“It’s okay, no one will know.”

“Try it just this once.”

Most of us would recognize a blatant lie. It’s the subtle ones that get us.

Maybe for you it’s not money or sex, but idols come in many shapes and sizes. Shopping. Food. Alcohol. Drugs. Status. Technology. A spouse. A child. A sports team. Our looks. Our reputation.

An idol can be anything. They’re easy to identify. What can you not stop? What could you not do without? What occupies much of your thoughts?

If you can’t stop overeating–food is your idol. You go to it to celebrate when you feel good. You go to it to be comforted when you feel down or stressed. It’s your god and it lies by telling you it can provide the joy, peace and comfort you desire.

Simply trying to eat less or drink less or shop less is not the answer. Those things are symptoms.

Years ago, I owned a personal training gym that was located in a strip mall. Right next door was an office for Alcoholic’s Anonymous. You could always tell when they were having a meeting because you’d smell the cigarette smoke. I’m sure the AA program was helping them avoid alcohol, but many of them had simply exchanged the alcohol idol for a cigarette idol. You’ve probably heard of someone who quit smoking, but gained a lot of weight. They exchanged their cigarette idol for a food idol.

The answer isn’t to simply stop bad behaviors, although it’s certainly good to not smoke or drink too much. What we really need to do is address the heart issue. We need to turn from our idol and turn back to God. The Bible calls that repentance.

We need to worship and serve the one true God, not our idols. Until we address that core issue, we will struggle with wrong behaviors and addictions.

Let’s call our idols what they are: liars. Let’s turn away from them and submit ourselves to God.

Is it easy? No. Idols can have a strong hold on us. Lurking behind everyone of our idols is our enemy, Satan. His desire for you is found in John 10:10…

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…”

Satan is a thief that has come to steal from you, kill you and/or destroy you. And he doesn’t care which idol we choose to worship and serve in that process, as long as we don’t recognize the truth and submit to God.

God’s desire for us is found in the second part of that verse when Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

We experience a full life when we choose to turn away from our idols and worship and serve God. Until we do that, we will live in bondage to our idols, believing their lies that a full life can be found in created things, not the Creator.

Watch Out For This Person

Have you ever looked at the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted list? Check it out. These are some dangerous guys.

James J. Bulger looks like a friendly old grandpa. Except he’s wanted for 19 counts of murder, among other things.

Robert William Fisher looks like a nice guy, too. Of course he allegedly killed his wife and two young children before blowing up the house they lived in.

Then there’s Osama Bin Laden.

While these are evil, violent men, I don’t necessarily feel threatened by them. I understand Bin Laden could do great harm to many people at almost any time, but the odds of me being personally harmed are slim.

There is someone though who is much more likely to do me harm. Someone who at this moment does not even mean to harm me, but has great power to do so and has a track record of doing just that.

The person I need to watch out for is “future me.” Not mini-me. Future me.

At the moment, I am intent on obeying God, eating right, exercising and serving my wife and children well. The future me has proven, however, time after time to be weak, lazy, self-deceived, hypocritical and highly vulnerable to temptation.

For example, I plan on working out tomorrow. Much of the time, I actually enjoy running and lifting weights. But I’ve also learned over the years that during late fall and early winter I am inclined to eat poorly and not exercise as much as I should. I rarely miss workouts in the spring and summer, but that’s not the case right now.

Even though tomorrow is New Year’s Day and I plan to spend some time watching football,  there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to write a couple thousand words on the marriage book I’m writing. And yet, future me will be tempted to not write. He will waste time. He will look for other things to do. I’ve seen him do it.

I think the apostle Paul understood this when he wrote:

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (Romans 7:15)

Can you relate?

So on a day when many of us are either making or at least thinking about New Year’s Resolutions, what can we do to help out Future Me and Future You?

First, recognize we are totally dependent on God to live the life He calls us to. In John 15:5, Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” We will fail if we are relying on our own strength.

Second, temptation is unavoidable, but let’s at least be wise about it. James 1:14 says, “…each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.” What are you desiring that is outside God’s will? What do you think about? Want? Flirt with? If you continue to feed ungodly desires–you are setting up Future You to fall…again.

Third, if we’re going to stand against temptation, then we need to change our desires. To change our desires, we have to first change our thoughts. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Choose to spend time in God’s word to allow Him to change your thoughts. Learn to think as He does. Let Him reshape your desires to be in line with His so He can grant them.

Fourth, give more. Jesus said, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Want to re-direct your heart, your desires, your focus? Then give. Your heart will follow your treasure. I found this to be true a number of years ago when I was playing around in the stock market. I was only investing a few hundred dollars, but the changing stock prices had me glued to my computer. My heart, my attention, my interest was following my treasure.

2011 is a few hours away. You and I have great intentions, but future you and me aren’t so well intentioned. They need our help. We can make some decisions now to help them.

Follow the Leader

There’s nothing more frustrating for a leader than a follower who won’t follow. And there’s nothing more frustrating for a follower than a leader who won’t lead. Now put a passive leader together with an unwilling follower and you’ve got a recipe for confusion, frustration and conflict. Welcome to marriage. Not all marriages, but many.

I find it fascinating that this is the very relationship that is meant to mirror God’s image. You almost want to ask, “Really God? Marriage?”

Yesterday we looked at the command in Ephesians 5 “to be filled with the Spirit.” And we said it begins with surrender, with giving God control of our lives. Then we looked at some of the results of being filled, leaving the more controversial one for today. Here’s what Paul said:

²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

I realize I’m wading into rough waters when I talk about submission. To be honest, I don’t even like the sound of the word. Maybe because it’s used as a club by men who mistakenly believe their wives are servants rather than equal partners. Rough waters or not though, I’m going in. Join me and let’s see where the current takes us.

In verse 21, Paul says we’re to submit to one another. Some have taken that to mean that everyone should live in a spirit of submission to everyone else. But that doesn’t really work, does it? Should I submit to my children? Does a supervisor submit to the employees who report to him?

No, I believe verse 21 is a lead in to the rest of chapter 5 and the beginning of chapter 6 where Paul discusses three relationships and explains how submission works in each one. He looks at the marriage relationship, the parent-child relationship and the master-slave relationship. We’re going to focus on the marriage relationship since it’s the most volatile to discuss.

Paul instructs wives to submit to their husbands. He says that the husband is the head of the wife just like Christ is the head of the church. Just like the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands.

I know some of you can feel your blood pressure rising already. I understand. Just stay with me.

When I read the account of creation in Genesis 1-3, I don’t see any emphasis on Eve submitting to Adam. Maybe it was understood or maybe it wasn’t even an issue. I don’t know. I just see a husband and wife, fully equal before God, both charged with ruling over God’s creation. Together. Equally. Maybe they would exercise different roles and bring different strengths and perspectives, but I don’t see any command for Eve to submit to Adam.

Then sin entered the picture.

Once sin was in the equation, Eve is told that, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

The Hebrew word for desire is the same one used in the next chapter when God says to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

Sin was crouching at the door desiring to have control of Cain. Eve would now desire to control Adam, but that would not be her God-given position. Instead, Adam would now be the leader in the relationship.

Again, prior to sin, I just don’t think leading and following were an issue. But now, because of sin, there has to be an established order. The husband is to lead and the wife is to follow. This does not mean a husband and wife are not equal. It doesn’t mean the wife is less than. It simply means they have different roles to fulfill.

For a strong woman with the gift of leadership, like my wife, a husband who won’t lead can be very, very frustrating, so let’s take a look at the husband’s responsibility.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

I find it interesting that Paul uses twice as many words to articulate the husband’s role. Could it be that if the husband correctly fulfills his role then the wife has no problems fulfilling hers? Is much of the pain and confusion in marriage averted if the husband will simply live up to his end of the bargain?

So what does Paul say about the husband’s responsibility? Simply put, the husband is to die. He is to sacrifice his life for his wife, just as Christ did for the church. Period.

Husbands, we are to love our wives like Christ loves us. We’re not to demand our own way, assert our rights or insist things be our way. We are to give up our lives for our wives. We are to desire and bring about what is good and best for her. We are to love her by serving and caring for her. We make meeting her needs the priority over our own needs being met.

Guys, let’s not make it difficult for our wives to follow our lead. Let’s choose to lead well, like Jesus did. I can’t imagine any woman having difficulty following a husband who strives to be the servant-leader that Jesus was.

For those of you who have mistakenly thought that being the leader or head meant being served rather than serving, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. You’ve had it backwards. Keep in mind, God created Eve because it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. Just as all the animals he’d just named had mates, Adam needed a mate. He needed someone else like him, so he wouldn’t be alone. He didn’t need a servant. He needed a partner.

Now here’s the most critical point of all: no one can do any of this apart from being filled with the Holy Spirit.

In our own strength, no one wants to submit and no one wants to die. And yet that is what is required to bring about the kind of marriage that will mirror God’s image.

Paul concludes his teaching on marriage in verses 32 and 33:

This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Everything he’s been saying is a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church! When a husband and wife fulfill their roles in the power of the Holy Spirit, we get a glimpse of Christ’s relationship with us.

Regardless of the state of your marriage today, choose to surrender to Christ and allow the Holy Spirit to fill you. You don’t have it in you to pull this off. You need Him. Only through Him can a husband love and lead his wife. And only through Him can a wife follow and respect her husband.

God has a good plan for your marriage and He’s also provided the power to bring it about. His Spirit, working in and through you, is the key.

I Know It When I See It

In a 1964 Supreme Court decision, Justice Potter Stewart said he would not try to define “hard-core pornography”, but went on to say, “…I know it when I see it…”

In my previous post, we looked at Paul’s command to live carefully and make the most of every opportunity. To live carefully means to live accurately, exactly and diligently. It’s to live intentional lives, not careless, haphazard lives.

Today, we’ll look at what it means to be filled with the Holy Spirit. After reading this post, you’ll know it when you see it.

If you’re like me, you’ve found it’s not easy to live intentionally. I find myself easily distracted by any number of things. Too often, I get caught up in someone else’s agenda. Goals and objectives I’ve set are put on the bank burner while more urgent and very often, unimportant tasks, push to the front.

Honestly, I don’t possess the wisdom or the strength to live intentionally. You don’t either. That’s the bad news. The good news is that God hasn’t called us to do life in our own strength. In Ephesians 5:15-21, Paul said:

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Be filled with the Spirit. That’s the key to living intentionally. It’s the one non-negotiable when it comes to experiencing the life God has for us.

So what does it mean to be “filled with the Spirit”? How does it look? How does it feel?

The bottom line is this: we are filled with the Holy Spirit when we surrender ourselves to Him and give Him complete control of our lives. If there’s an area we’re holding back, then He’s not really in control and we’re not really filled.

It’s easy to deceive ourselves. We may think we’ve given Him control or we may say we have, but it doesn’t mean we actually have. There are some things we just don’t want to let go of. Maybe it’s a habit, a sin or an addiction. It could be a person or an activity.

There is a way to know, however, if we are genuinely filled with the Holy Spirit. We can look for the evidence of it. You could say, “I’ll know it when I see it.” If you are filled with the Holy Spirit, you will:

“speak to one another in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs.” Your language will be different. You will desire to speak about spiritual matters. Your speech will be governed by the Holy Spirit.

Do you find yourself regularly talking about God and what He’s up to or are most of your conversations about politics, sports, TV shows or other material concerns? Are your words encouraging to others or are your words filled with doubt, discouragement and criticism?

If God is a rare topic in your conversations with others, then you might want to seriously consider if you are even a Christ-follower.

“Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord.” What’s going on inside you? In your heart? In that deep place where your desires and affections reside?

Do you long to know more of God? Do you sometimes find yourself humming a worship song without even realizing it? When you see a beautiful sunset with it’s brilliant colors and cloud formations, do you whisper, “Thank you, Father”?

Or are most of your desires for material things? Bigger house. Bigger television. Bigger whatever.

A heart that’s under the control of the Holy Spirit can’t help but worship Him.

“…always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Are you thankful or are you a complainer? Can you be grateful for all that God has done for you and is doing now or can you not get your mind off what you don’t have?

Giving thanks is evidence of trust. We understand that God is good, loving and all-powerful and is able to meet our every need. If there’s something we’re lacking, then we know that God is able to provide it when the time is right. And if He never provides it, we understand He is still worthy of our thanksgiving and still has our best in mind.

On the other hand, if we often find ourselves complaining and whining because of something we don’t have or because someone else has what we want, then we can be sure we are not filled with the Holy Spirit. He will not lead us to complain, but to offer thanks.

There’s one more…and it’s probably the clearest evidence of a life under the control of the Holy Spirit, but also the most controversial.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Well, that doesn’t sound so hard. You submit to me and I’ll submit to you and we’ll be one big happy family, right? Paul doesn’t end there though. Instead, he goes on to explain how this command plays out in three key relationships.

And that we’ll save for tomorrow.

How We Miss Out On God’s Best

Imagine a friend of yours flies into town, rents a car and drops by your house to pick you up. Knowing your friend as well as you do, you’ve mapped out all the places you know she’d love to visit.

You’ve got a couple nice, but inexpensive restaurants in mind. There’s a scenic overlook just outside of town with a breathtaking view. You have a few friends you know she’d love to meet.

You also know areas of town to avoid. You know the streets undergoing road construction. You know the rush hour traffic patterns. You know the shops that are way overpriced.

As you set out on your day together, you tell your friend to make a right at the next stoplight. Instead, your friend says she’d rather go left, which she does. When you try to persuade her to head back the other way, she gets annoyed and is more determined to continue in the same direction.

You know the road she has chosen leads nowhere. Literally. After about five or six miles of bumpy, unpaved roads, she’ll come to a sign that simply says, “Bridge Out. Road Closed.” Her only option will be to turn around and drive back.

You glance at your watch, knowing there’s so much to do, but not much time.

After wasting much of the morning, you suggest picking up some lunch and eating at the overlook. You know that sometimes you can see bald eagles soaring above the cliffs. Instead, your friend pulls into a fast food place and gets out of the car.

After lunch, you see if she wants to head downtown to check out some fun little shops that carry just the kinds of things she’ll like. She’s says it sounds good, but then asks for directions to the mall. Most of the afternoon is spent walking around department stores. Ones you’re pretty sure she has at the mall where she lives.

After a disappointing afternoon, you tell your friend you’ve got something fun planned for dinner. There’s a great little Italian place a couple blocks from your apartment where you’ve planned to meet some friends you really think she’ll enjoy. You can’t wait to introduce her to them. You’re pleasantly surprised when your friend agrees to the dinner plans.

Your friends all arrive on time and you introduce them to your out of town guest. Everything is going well, until she excuses herself to take a phone call. Thirty minutes later, after the appetizers have been cleared and the entrees served, your friend rejoins the group, but begins to complain about her food being cold.

She then spends the remaining time texting. Occasionally, she nods her head or says, “Uh huh” to show she’s engaged in the conversation, but she’s really not.

As you lay in bed that night reflecting back on the day, you think about all of the fun you could have had, all of the things you wish your friend could have seen and done and experienced. You wonder how things might have been. You know it could have been such a good day.

So I wonder how much we miss out on when we insist on going our own way instead of God’s way. Not just for a day, but for a month or a year or five years.

How might God have blessed us? Who did He want us to meet? What did He want to show us? What did He want us to experience? What did He want us to learn? What did He want to give us? How did He want to use us?

But because we wanted to go our own way and do our own thing, we missed out.

God is always gracious and He gives second (and third and fourth…) chances, but there are always consequences, aren’t there? We might think we’ve come through unharmed and no worse off, but that’s not really true.

Any time we step outside of God’s will, there’s always a loss. We’re always less because of it.

Missed blessings. Missed opportunities. Missed relationships. Missed experiences. Missed growth. Missed wisdom.

It’s an unknown and very expensive price to pay for going our own way.

You may not always see the value in spending time in God’s word each day, but what if that is when He’s helping you think more like He does? And what if you’re then able to make different, better decisions because you understand His will and His ways?

What if those decisions set you on a different course? The right course? His course for your life? And then you get to experience your life as He intended it?

It’s possible to miss out on God’s best for your life. It happens one little decision at a time.

I wonder how much more diligent we would be to seek God and obey Him if we could see just how much we were missing.

Top 10 Ways to Quickly Strengthen Your Marriage

Last week, I posted “45 Ways to Slowly Kill Your Marriage.” I had a request for how to strengthen a marriage, so here are my top 10 ways to quickly strengthen your marriage:

1. Meet your spouse’s needs. First, you need to know what they are. Become a student of your spouse to find out. Write down everything you learn. Then start meeting those needs.

Yes, it’s that simple. Easy? Not always. Simple? Yes.

If you’re trying to come up with some needs, here are a few to get things kick-started: conversation, alone time, words of encouragement, romance, a hug, quality time with you, help with the housework, sex, a weekend away, an extra hour of sleep, respect, a phone call “just because”, a massage, etc.

Keep in mind, you’re looking for your spouse’s needs, not your needs. Also, while you’re at it, discover some wants and meet those, too.

2. Be third. God first. Spouse second. You third.

I know you also have needs and wants that aren’t being met and you may be giving a lot more than your spouse, but choose to meet your spouse’s needs even if yours aren’t being met.

What’s the alternative? Pull back and wait until your spouse goes first?

How well do you think that’s going to work?

I know it won’t be easy, but you will reap what you sow. Be the bigger person and begin serving your spouse. See what God does.

3. Pray together. If this is a scary thought to you, then start small. Before you go to sleep tonight, hold hands and say, “Lord, thank you for my husband/wife.” If it’s not so scary, then take a few minutes to pray for each other.

4. Believe God. Difficulties are inevitable, so learning how to deal with them as a couple is critical. The most important thing you can do is focus your attention on God, not your circumstances. Your financial crisis, medical issue or rebellious child may seem overwhelming, but it’s not to God. He has a solution and He has peace for you. Read Hebrews 11:6.

Choose to trust Him and not give in to worry, fear and anxiety. Those negative emotions will only poison your marriage.

How do you begin believing God, not your circumstances? There’s no substitute for spending time reading the Bible. In it, God has revealed Himself, His purposes and His ways. As we discover who God is and how He works, our capacity to trust Him is enlarged. Difficult circumstances no longer seem insurmountable when seen through God’s eyes.

5. Be your best. About 18 months into marriage, Robyn and I attended a “Weekend to Remember” marriage conference. During that weekend, I realized what a poor job I was doing as her husband. I decided then to be the best husband I could be. That was in 1987. While I’m far from perfect, I’m much further along than had I never made that decision.

6. Give grace. Your spouse is going to blow it. A lot. What are you going to do then? Keep score? Hold a grudge? Punish? Where will that get you?

What if instead, you gave grace and forgiveness? The way God does to us. What if you chose to treat your spouse the way you want to be treated when you fail? Again, I know this isn’t easy, but that leads to the next point…

7. Be filled with the Holy Spirit. In Ephesians 5, Paul gives instructions to husbands and wives. It’s some heavy stuff. And in our own strength, it’s impossible stuff. So prior to giving those instructions, in verse 18, he said, “…be filled with the Holy Spirit.”

To be filled with the Holy Spirit means to be under his influence. In fact, Paul compares being drunk to being filled with the Spirit. When someone is drunk, they speak and act in a way that indicates they’re under the influence of alcohol. When we are under the influence of the Holy Spirit, we will speak and act like He desires.

How can you be filled with the Holy Spirit? Simply by surrendering control of your life to Him. You can be in control or He can. He’s not going to fight you for control. He’s going to wait for you to give it to Him. When you do, you will experience His wisdom and power in your life.

8. Get healthy. You can’t change your spouse, but you can change you. Commit to getting healthy both physically and emotionally. If you’re not eating right or exercising, then you won’t feel well. If you don’t feel well, you won’t have the energy to invest in your marriage. If you don’t know where to start, click here.

You also need to commit to good emotional health. If your leg is broken, you’ll have an extremely difficult time running a mile. It would be painfully obvious that what you need is a doctor to set your leg in a cast, so you can heal.

The problem with our emotional health is the broken things are less obvious. The consequences are no less serious though. If you’re walking around with unresolved issues from your childhood, hurt and resentment from a previous marriage, a bad experience in a legalistic church or some other emotionally traumatic event, then you do not have the emotional health required for a successful marriage. You just don’t. So get help.

How do you know if you need help?

If you often feel angry, anxious or depressed–you need help.

If you need _______________ to feel good, relieve stress, unwind or shake off a bad day–you need help. Put whatever you want in the blank: food, alcohol, drugs, pornography, shopping, sex, gambling, chocolate, etc.

If you often feel guilty or ashamed–you need help.

If you are verbally abusive to your spouse–you need help.

If you’ve ever hit your spouse (or been hit)–you need help.

If you’ve lost any hope of your situation getting better–you need help.

Find a Christian counselor and make an appointment. Do it today. You’ll be stuck until you do.

9. Be playful. Sure marriage takes some work, but it doesn’t have to be all work. Lighten up a little. Have fun with each other. Take a walk. Take dancing lessons. Take a shower (together). Go on a bike ride. Cook together. Send each other suggestive text messages. Go to a dollar store and buy each other five gifts. Exchange them over coffee and dessert. Play a game. Put the kids to bed early, order Chinese food and watch a funny movie.

Just enjoy each other and laugh together. Like when you were dating.

10. Get away. If you can afford it, spend a couple nights in a bed and breakfast or hotel. Don’t take any work. Leave the laptop at home. Turn off your phones. Focus on each other. Eat some good meals. Take walks. Talk about your dreams. Consider attending a “Weekend to Remember” for your weekend away.

Getting away from the normal routine of life will do wonders for your marriage. If you can’t remember the last time you got away, then schedule something now.

Obviously, these all work better and more quickly if you both commit to do them, but don’t wait for your spouse. (Read #2 again.) Do what you know to do. Start right now. Trust God with the results.

Okay, here’s a bonus one:

11. Be your spouse’s biggest fan. While you’re studying your spouse looking for needs, also be on the lookout for strengths. What is your spouse good at? What do they enjoy doing? What are they passionate about? What gets them excited?

Once you have those answers, encourage them to pursue those activities, ideas or dreams. Cheer them on. Help them. Help find the resources to make it happen. Do whatever you can to help the vision become reality.

As often as you can, say, “I’m so proud of you.”

Walking By Faith

A good friend of mine has turned down some job offers because they’re not in the city in which he and his wife believe God has called them to live and help start a church. And yet my friend is currently without a job and running out of money. He and his wife also have two young sons, so there’s a lot at stake.

His situation reminds me of something similar I went through in the late ’90′s. I was in the process of being laid off from a job, but felt God leading me to wait patiently for what He would reveal. The more I prayed, the more God said to wait patiently. And so I did…for several months. A week after I was laid off, God opened a door for a new job.

During those few months, it looked like I was being passive, irresponsible and foolish. I wasn’t looking for a job, filling out applications or going on interviews. I was praying and waiting. Why? Because I believe it’s what God was leading me to do.

My friend is praying and waiting and actively looking for a job in a particular city. Why? Because he believes it’s what God is leading him to do.

Many people would think he’s crazy for turning down job offers. After all, it’s tough to find a job in this economy. What’s he thinking?

Yeah, what’s he thinking?

And while we’re at it, what was Noah thinking when he built that ark?

How about Moses leading millions of people out of captivity only to get backed up against the Red Sea by the Egyptian army? What was he thinking?

What was Abraham thinking when he left his home to go to a land God said He’d show him? And what was he thinking when he raised the knife to kill his son, Isaac?

What was Joseph thinking when he resisted the advances of his boss’s wife and ended up in prison because she falsely accused him?

What was Daniel thinking when he disobeyed the king so he could be faithful to God and then was tossed into a den of lions as punishment?

What were they thinking?

In hindsight, these men are all heroes of the faith. They faced impossible circumstances, they believed God and He came through for them. In hindsight.

But in the midst of their difficulties, each of these men looked like fools. They couldn’t see how or when things were going to work out and neither could anyone else.

Remember, God may, check that–God will–call you to take a step of faith that will look foolish to those around you. He hasn’t spoken to them though. He has spoken to you. He is the only One you must please. You don’t need to explain yourself to others. They won’t understand anyway since most people are not walking by faith.

Most people have ordered their lives in such a way as to eliminate or at least minimize any need for faith. They may call it living cautiously or prudently or risk-averse. Call it what you will, but it’s not a life of faith and it’s not the kind of life God blesses.

Maybe God hasn’t called you to move to another city and help start a church. He might though.

But what is He calling you to do today? Are you listening to Him? Would you hear Him if He called your name today? Or is He being drowned out by an iPod, Facebook, Twitter, a couple hundred text messages and a few hours of television?

Living by faith is the “normal” Christian life.

So are you trusting God today? I mean the kind of trust where if He doesn’t come through, you’re sunk. The kind of trust where He’s not only plan A, He’s plan B, C, D…

Is there a step of faith God is calling you to today? Ask Him. While you’re waiting for Him to answer, try one of these:

• Give away a sum of money that will make you nervous. That might be $50 for some of you. For others, it might mean $5,000. Or more.
• Walk across the street and meet your new neighbor.
• Meet your spouse’s needs even though he/she isn’t meeting yours.
• Tell God you’re willing to do anything He tells you to do, go anywhere He tells you to go, whenever He tells you to do it.
• Tell someone about your addiction and that you need help.
• Stop having sex until you’re married.

If your relationship with God seems stale or boring, then maybe you’ve been living by sight, not by faith. A life of faith is not boring. Sometimes scary. But never boring.

When you walk by faith, you will experience God in ways the sight-walkers never get to. You will see Him use you in ways you didn’t know were possible. You will discover how He has uniquely designed you to advance His kingdom. You will see Him open doors, often at the last minute, you never could have on your own.

You were made to live by faith in God.

Are you?

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”  –Hebrews 11:6