Cancer of the Heart

Have you ever heard of someone having heart cancer? I haven’t.

Lung cancer. Prostate cancer. Breast cancer. All kinds of cancer, but not heart cancer.

In a review of 12,000 autopsies, only seven people were found to have had a cardiac tumor. The Mayo Clinic only sees about one case a year. So it’s a very rare cancer, at least medically. But spiritually, I think it’s a different story. Spiritual heart cancer is pretty common. It’s called pride. And I have it.

I really didn’t think I had it, but I do. The symptoms tend to mask themselves as other things that actually look healthy. On the surface, everything might look good. Underneath though, when we start to examine motives and hidden thoughts, we find this deadly spiritual cancer wreaking havoc.

I don’t know how it might show up in your life, but I’ll give you some examples of how it does in mine.

My pride, this spiritual heart cancer, causes me to fear others more than I fear God. It makes me to want to look better than I actually am. It causes me to value my reputation–what others think and know about me–more than I value what God thinks and knows about me.

In essence, my reputation is my idol. It’s what I worship. It’s what I have to preserve. It’s what comes before everything else.

So how does all that play out in my life?

Well, because I want to be thought well of and to be liked, I will hold back from being honest. Why tell you what I really think and cause tension or conflict? Rather than speaking the truth in love, I won’t speak at all or I’ll tell you what you want to hear. And that’s neither truthful nor loving.

When it comes to my desire for a strong marriage and family–is it because it pleases God or because I want to look good to others? And what is my reason for working out? To be healthy or to simply look better? When I give to others–is it because I’m being generous or because I want to be liked?

The truth is that nothing we do is from a totally pure heart. I’m not talking about that though. I’m talking about pride that has begun to rule in my heart, not just taint my motives a little.

This morning, I was reading in Mark 2 and 3. Jesus has entered the town of Capernaum and experiences some confrontations with the Pharisees. I encourage you to read the passage. It’s very fascinating to note the reaction the Pharisees have to what Jesus is doing.

The Pharisees are watching Jesus closely, waiting to catch Him breaking the law. Every time He does something they don’t approve of–they confront Him either directly or indirectly. And each time they confront Him, they become more bold in how they do it until Jesus turns the tables and confronts them. When He does, it says:

He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus.

The more I think about the Pharisees, the more I identify with them. These were guys who were trying to do the right thing. They were trying to please God. Outwardly, everything seemed fine. But the problem was their motives were all wrong. Their hearts were far from God. They did things to be noticed by others, not to genuinely please God.

They were filled with a spiritual cancer of the heart. Pride was killing them and they didn’t even know it.

Maybe pride manifests itself differently in your life than it does in mine.

Maybe you always have to have things your way. And so you manipulate. And complain. And criticize.

Maybe your pride causes you to think too highly of yourself. You overestimate your strengths. You don’t listen to others. You don’t solicit feedback. And if others give it, you dismiss it. They really don’t know what they’re talking about, right?

Or maybe you have to be in control. You have a plan for your life and you’re going to see it through. God is mainly here to help you accomplish your goals. It doesn’t occur to you that God isn’t interested in your plans or your goals. He’s interested in you living in submission to Him and doing whatever He calls you to do.

If you’re like me, your first thought is that pride really isn’t a problem for you. And that’s what I would have said a week ago. But my heart is not only prideful, it’s also deceitful. “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

I wish I could say I have three action steps to deal with a prideful heart. But I don’t. I need the Great Physician to heal me, but I just don’t know what the course of treatment will look like yet.

Pride is like a cancer that has spread to multiple organs, so I don’t think there’s a quick fix.

Stay tuned.

You Don’t “Fall” Out of Love

Have you ever been feeling fine one minute and the next minute you feel anxious or worried or at least a little unsettled?

Does that happen to you? It does to me.

My feelings or mood can change in an instant without any apparent change in my circumstances. One moment I’m fine. The next moment I’m fed up with it all.

Peace gives way to worry.

Contentment turns to restlessness.

Joy fades and is replaced by gloom.

And this can all happen in just about the blink of an eye. But why? What can cause my feelings to change so quickly?

It’s my thoughts. My thoughts are what can change so quickly. And they have a wide-open, direct path to my feelings. Thoughts create feelings.

It’s easy to verify this. Just watch a scary movie. It’s late at night. The babysitter is alone in the house. She’s watching the news and learns a murderer has escaped from a nearby prison. Then the power goes out and she hears a noise. She quietly makes her way to the kitchen and discovers the door has blown open.

How are you feeling as you watch? Nervous? How would you feel if you were watching the movie while all alone…late at night…while babysitting? Anxious? Scared?

The movie is acting as a stimulus, which is producing a response of certain feelings in us.

Or is it?

The movie is the stimulus, but there’s a step in the process before we get to the feelings response. And that missing step is our thoughts about what we’re seeing on the screen.

As we watch, we begin to invest in the character. We wonder (think about) what will happen next? We start to anticipate the murderer showing up and breaking into the house. Our imagination (mind) starts to take over.

And those thoughts produce feelings of nervousness or fear.

Want your feelings to change? Just change your thoughts. Easier said than done, I know. But it is possible. It can be done. God wouldn’t give us a command like, “Do not be anxious about anything…” if it wasn’t somehow possible to obey it.

That passage in Philippians 4 goes on to say, “…but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” How do we deal with anxious feelings? We pray. We offer God our thanksgiving. We present our requests to Him. In other words, we believe God, know that what He says is true and then take action.

And then Paul writes, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Read the rest of the passage to see what else Paul says about thinking.

We can’t change our feelings unless we change our thoughts. And changing our thoughts isn’t very easy unless we also change our actions. And changing our actions will almost always require faith. We must believe God.

So how might this play out in marriage? Maybe for a husband who says, “I’ve fallen out of love with my wife. The spark is gone.”

What would you tell him?

Some people would suggest counseling. And that may be very helpful.

Some would jump to getting a divorce. You’re not happy? Get out. Get on with your life.

But what if the feelings are just a symptom? What if the real problem is a wrong thought? And what if the way to begin correcting the wrong thought is to believe God and start taking action by faith?

Ephesians 5:33 says, “…each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself…”

Do you think God is telling husbands to feel something? “Alright you guys, start feeling warm, affectionate feelings toward your wives!”

That wouldn’t really work, would it? Even if that’s what it meant, we’d still have to change our thoughts. If I told you to feel sad, you’d have to think sad thoughts. The same goes for feeling angry or scared or anxious. Again, thoughts produce feelings. So what needs to change is our thoughts. And those will change as we believe God and start to act in line with His word.

So what about the husband (or wife) who has fallen out of love?

If he’ll listen, he needs to know that he can fall back into love by starting to love his wife. Love is a verb. You do loving things and the feelings will follow along. Maybe not immediately, but they’ll come.

He can begin to serve her and sacrifice for her. He can put her needs before his own. He can engage her in conversation. He can take the initiative to meet her needs in the bedroom. He can cook dinner and clean the kitchen. He can prepare a hot bath for her while he helps the kids with their homework.

Will he feel like doing those things? Not at first. But we’re not talking about feelings, are we?

We’re talking about the verb, love. And verbs are action words. Run. Kick. Laugh. Climb. Tickle. Love. All actions.

Believe God and walk by faith. Begin to love and think differently. Change your thoughts. Stop thinking love is just a feeling that you’ve “fallen out of.” You didn’t fall out of love. You acted your way out of it.

You can act your way back in.

God, Have You Forgotten Me?

Has that ever been your prayer? Or have you ever at least wondered?

You might be in the midst of a second round of chemo, like my friend Jeff.

Or like one young man I heard about today…in less than a year–your dad dies, your mom dies and then the day before you leave for boot camp–your girlfriend breaks up with you.

Or despite doing everything you know to do, your marriage continues to get worse. Or your child continues to rebel. Or your boss is still a jerk.

Or your finances keep getting worse. Just when it seems like you’re about to get ahead, you get hit with an unexpected bill.

God, have You forgotten me? Can You not see what I’m going through here?

Where are You, God? And why aren’t You helping?

When circumstances are bad and they don’t seem to be improving and God isn’t saying much…it’s easy to lose hope, to wonder where He is and what He’s up to. It’s easy to doubt His love for us. It’s easy to doubt if He’s even good.

I’ve been there. I’ve doubted. I’ve wondered. I’ve been angry. I’ve been discouraged.

And I’ve lost hope.

Have you? Are you there now?

I wonder if Noah could relate.

Noah was a righteous man living among a lot of evil. He was trying to do the right thing and honor God when those around him weren’t.

And God saw. He knew what was going on. Check out the story in Genesis 6.

So Noah does what God says and builds an ark. And God does what He says He’ll do and He sends a flood, which Noah, his wife, his three sons and their wives ride out in the ark. Along with a bunch of animals. Read that part of the story in Genesis 7-8.

The flood began “in the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, on the seventeenth day of the second month…” And in the coming days, every creature that lived on dry ground is completely wiped out except for Noah, his family and the animals on the ark.

And “the waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days.”

It rained for forty days and nights, but the earth was totally flooded for five months before God sends a wind so that the waters will begin to recede.

I grew up near the ocean, but I can’t remember ever being so far out on a boat that I couldn’t see the shore. I’ve also never been on a cruise. Maybe you have. Maybe you’ve been out at sea and couldn’t see land.

Of course, a cruise ship and Noah’s ark couldn’t be more different. Noah’s boat was built to ensure the human race would survive a world-wide flood. It held a total of eight human beings, a whole bunch of animals and enough food to last until the flood was over. No staterooms. No dining rooms and endless buffets. No deck chairs. No casinos. No shore excursions.

Just Noah, his family and the animals. Alone on the earth. Surrounded by nothing but water. For five months. And we have no record of God communicating with them during that time. Nothing. Not one word.

The first word of chapter 8 is one of my absolute favorites in the Bible: But.

“But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded.”

A couple verses later, it says, “The water receded steadily from the earth.”

After five months, the waters are finally beginning to recede. And “the waters continued to recede until the tenth month, and on the first day of the tenth month the tops of the mountains became visible.”

Seven and a half months after the flood began, the tops of the mountains are now visible. Moses waits another forty days and sends out a raven and a dove. The raven kept flying back and forth. The dove looks for dry ground, but can’t find it so it returns to Noah. After a week passes, Noah sends the dove out again. This time the dove returns with a freshly plucked olive leaf in its beak, so Noah knew the water was receding.

After another week, Noah sends the dove out again. This time it doesn’t return.

“By the first day of the first month of Noah’s six hundred and first year, the water had dried up from the earth. Noah then removed the covering from the ark and saw that the surface of the ground was dry. By the twenty-seventh day of the second month the earth was completely dry.”

In Noah’s six hundredth and first year on the twenty-seventh day of the second month the earth was completely dry. He and his family had been on the ark for one year, one month and ten days.

As I read this story today, here’s what jumped out at me…

The waters receded slowly.

Once the rain stopped, God didn’t zap away all the water. He sent a wind. That’s it. No zapping. No wand-waving. No miracles.

Just a wind. And then a lot of waiting.

Oh, and remembering. God always remembered Noah and his family and the animals.

He never forgot them.

Just like He never forgets you.

Maybe you’ve been enduring a 13-month trial of your own. Or maybe a 23-month trial. Or 33 months. Or longer.

God hasn’t forgotten though. There might still be a miracle coming, but there might just be a slow-receding.

Little by little the waters of difficulties and pain and confusion are receding. It might feel so slow that you don’t even notice. You will though. One day, you’ll notice the dove will return with an olive leaf. And not long after, the dove won’t return at all.

The waters will have receded. You’ll see dry ground again.

Until then, remember that God remembers. He never, ever forgets you.

Wired by God For Pleasure

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

“This life doesn’t matter. It’s all about eternity and life in heaven.”

Do you agree?

I don’t. Not any more anyway.

It wasn’t that long ago that I would have agreed with that statement or something like it. Or I would have at least thought I was supposed to agree with it. The problem was that my heart just wasn’t in it. And now my head isn’t either.

God created us as physical beings in a physical world. Yes, we’re also spiritual beings and live in a spiritual world, but the physical part isn’t bad or wrong.

After six days of creation, God pronounced that everything was good. His physical creation, including Adam, was good. In fact, the only thing that wasn’t good was Adam being alone. So God formed Eve and brought her to Adam.

Adam and Eve, just like you and me, were given five senses that allowed them to relate to and experience this physical world. And the fact that I have these five senses tells me something about God. He wants us to enjoy life and experience pleasure. Physical pleasure in this life. And a lot of it.

Listening to your favorite song is pleasurable.

Viewing a sunset is pleasurable.

Smelling freshly baked cinnamon rolls is pleasurable.

Tasting one is even more pleasurable.

Kissing someone is pleasurable.

I just can’t get away from the fact that our fives senses are wired by God to experience the pleasures of this physical world He created for us. That tells me He wants us to enjoy it. That it might even give Him pleasure to watch us receive pleasure from all He has given us.

Granted, we can take pleasure too far. We can misuse it and we can abuse it. We can even make it into a god or an idol, something we bow down to and worship. And that’s when we get into trouble. When our desire for physical pleasure goes too far and becomes an addiction.

Fortunately, God gives us commandments that teach us how to live in this physical world. His laws protect us and provide for us. As we walk according to His ways, we discover freedom and maximum pleasure. His commands aren’t meant to rob us of fun and pleasure–they’re meant to provide it!

So will heaven be better than this life?

I used to think it wouldn’t be. I mean I knew it would be or that I was at least supposed to believe it would be, but again, my heart wasn’t really in it. The idea of floating around in some spiritual dimension didn’t really have much appeal to me. It sounded boring. Don’t get me wrong, heaven was definitely better than the alternative, but not something to really get excited about.

But did you know that heaven will be on earth? That we’ll have bodies? That we’ll eat and drink? That we’ll enjoy living in friendship with others and with God? On earth?

Read Genesis 1 and 2. And read Revelation 21 and 22. Those are the first two and last two chapters of the Bible. It gives us a glimpse of what it was supposed to be like and what God will restore it to. Notice the similarities in those four chapters.

If you ever long for what you don’t have or wish friendships were more fulfilling or loved ones didn’t die or wars were never fought or rivers were never polluted, then what you’re longing for is what used to be and what will be again…on this earth.

God created us to live in friendship with Him. Here on earth. The plan got messed up when Satan tempted Adam and Eve to go their own way rather than God’s way. But God hasn’t given up on the original design. He’s going to restore it and make it all new.

And we’ll live with Him. In friendship. Here on earth. Experiencing all the pleasures these bodies were designed to receive. And it will be better than anything we can imagine.

In the meantime, we experience life on earth and walk with God by faith. And we get glimpses of what’s to come when we enjoy a beautiful sunset or walk along a beach. Or when we enjoy a delicious meal and great conversation with friends. Or when a husband and wife make love.

Life on earth in the heavenly kingdom will be amazing, but it doesn’t mean this life now doesn’t matter. It’s a gift from God to be enjoyed.

We’re wired by God for pleasure and He’s graciously given us His word to provide for us and protect us.

Emotional Intelligence

I believe there are different types of intelligence.

Some people are great at math. Others can easily diagnose what’s wrong with a car engine and get it fixed. One of my sons-in-law can play multiple musical instruments. I have a friend who understands complex electronic equipment.

I have another friend who has what I would call “spatial” intelligence. We used to work together creating various products. He was great at seeing how various types of packaging would work or not work. Some football coaches have a type of intelligence that allows them to design innovative offenses or defenses, schemes that revolutionize the game.

You have a certain type of intelligence. Call it a strength, a gift or ability if you want to. Just develop yours and don’t worry about everyone else. It’s okay that you don’t have the kind of intelligence that others have.

There is one type of intelligence though that all of us need to have. Some people seem to have more of it while some have less of it. And some people have much less of it. And that’s the problem.

I call it “emotional” intelligence.

Someone else might define it differently, but here’s my definition of emotional intelligence…

It’s the ability to build meaningful relationships, work on a team and resolve conflicts. It’s the ability to get along with others and treat them with respect. It’s understanding your own strengths and weaknesses. It’s knowing how you come across to others. It’s knowing what to say, how to say it and when to say it…and when not to say it. It’s being able to read a situation and read someone’s body language. It’s knowing when to shut your mouth and just listen. It’s knowing that you can’t just speak your mind and expect others to “just deal with it.” It’s the ability to put the needs of others before your own.

From what I’ve observed over the years–some people have emotional intelligence and some don’t. If you don’t have it–you need to develop it. Fast. Every one of your relationships depends on it.

Last night, my wife, Robyn, had just finished speaking to a group of college students at a Young Life College meeting on campus. Earlier, I saw an older man come in late to the meeting and sit down. That’s fine, but he just seemed out of place, so I kept an eye on him.

So after Robyn had finished, this man stood up in the meeting and started to make his way toward the front of the room. He was asking if anyone had heard about what God was doing in a certain prison ministry. While the meeting wrapped up, my wife took him aside to listen to him and I made my way over to them.

Robyn did a great job of patiently listening to him, but eventually I interrupted so she could spend time with the college students. Even after I tried to excuse her from the conversation, the man continued on trying to make his point. Whatever point that was.

I wanted to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Possibly, God was at work. Maybe there was a reason he was there. But the more he continued to talk, the less I wanted to hear what he had to say. His interruption was highly inappropriate. Even rude. He may have thought he was “doing God’s work,” but mostly he was just annoying.

He had no place in the meeting last night, but he couldn’t read the situation. He didn’t know how he was coming across. He didn’t know that his interruption hurt his cause rather than helped it. It didn’t occur to him to ask questions rather than talk endlessly about his own agenda.

A lack of emotional intelligence will kill your relationships or your cause, whatever it is.

So what’s the solution? How do you grow your emotional intelligence?

It begins with the most emotionally intelligent person in history. Jesus. Without Him, we are all spiritually and emotionally lost, broken people. We need Jesus to heal us. Only then, are we capable of becoming the people He wants us to be.

To become more emotionally intelligent requires true humility. The kind Jesus displayed. The kind of humility that allows us to lay aside our rights or needs and put others before ourselves. The kind of humility that allows us to understand we have blind spots–areas of weakness that we can’t see, but others can.

To become more emotionally intelligent may require some serious self-reflection and admitting that maybe we’re the common denominator in all of our dysfunctional relationships. Maybe it’s not that other people just don’t “get you”, but that you’ve been a self-centered jerk. Sadly, a lack of emotional intelligence is the very thing that prevents someone from even being open to the possibility that they could be the problem–not everyone else.

If you’re in a relationship you truly care about, but are experiencing some degree of tension or conflict–try asking the other person questions like these:

• Is there something I’m doing that I may not be aware of that is hurting our relationship?
• What blind spots do you see that I have?
• What have I done that was insensitive to you?
• Do you think I have a good understanding of how I come across to others?

Those may feel like some intimidating questions. Maybe you’d rather not know the answer. Or worse, you just don’t care. And that would probably confirm–you’re suffering from a lack of emotional intelligence.

James 1:19-20 says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

It’s good advice.  So go ahead–ask the questions. And then listen. Don’t talk. Don’t get angry. Just listen.

Marriage God’s Way

Some random thoughts on marriage from James 3:13-4:7….

Unmet or conflicting desires can lead to fighting. When you put your own wants and desires before your spouse’s, there will inevitably be conflict.

The world’s plan is to put our own needs before our spouse’s needs. James 3:13-18, tells us this will be characterized by envy and selfish ambition. The result is “disorder and every evil practice.”

Patterns of living according to the world’s ways can run deep. What we learned as children from our parents can be very, very tough to unlearn or overcome. Continuing to live according to the world’s plans as an adult will only lead to a very unhealthy and ultimately unsuccessful marriage.

When I spend little time seeking God by reading His word and talking with Him, I will naturally follow the world’s plan for my life. I will pursue my plans, my goals and my desires. James 4:4 compares this type of living to committing adultery against God. When I choose to be a friend of the world, I become an enemy of God. And you never want to have God as your enemy.

Anger and/or depression may be a signal of a wrong or blocked desire or goal. Sometimes it’s a legitimate desire being blocked by a sinful spouse. Sometimes it’s an illegitimate desire being blocked by God. James 4:6 says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Yes, God opposes us when we choose to do things our own way and live according to our own plans and desires. Going our own way is the essence of pride.

Pride is what led to Satan’s rebellion against God. It is what leads to “disorder and every evil practice.” The only solution is found in James 4:7, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” We will either submit to God and resist the devil or submit to the devil and resist God.

There are four types of marriages:

The husband has submitted to God and the wife has submitted to God. This relationship is characterized by putting the other’s needs first. The atmosphere of the marriage will be pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. It doesn’t mean everything will always be smooth and free of conflict, but it does mean God is present, at work in both people and the ultimate goal is to please God and advance His kingdom. Together.

The husband has not submitted to God and the wife has not submitted to God. In this relationship, both husband and wife are striving to get their needs met first. This type of relationship is “earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.” There will be envy and selfish ambition, resulting in “disorder and every evil practice.” Does it mean there will never be moments of happiness? No, but this type of marriage will always fall short of God’s intended design, because it’s based on worldly, not godly principles. And most likely, this marriage will fail to last.

The husband has submitted to God, but the wife has not submitted to God. This is a marriage being lived out under conflicting worldviews. The husband is putting God before himself, but the wife is putting herself before God. The husband will most likely feel frustrated by having certain desires, and even needs, go unmet. As far as experiencing all that God intends for them both individually and as a couple, it’s like having a 6-cylinder car that’s only firing on three cylinders. It’ll run, but it’s a slow, rough ride and not very enjoyable.

The husband has not submitted to God, but the wife has submitted to God. Same situation as above, but because the husband is charged with providing leadership in the family and is not, the long-term consequences are worse in this situation. It’s not just the marriage that’s effected, but the children and successive generations.

Sadly, when one spouse chooses to not submit to God, it makes life much more difficult for the spouse who has chosen to live according to God’s ways. The sin of the prideful spouse infects the entire marriage.

Not living in submission to God doesn’t always have to look like active rebellion. It can also manifest as passive indifference. One spouse may be trying to walk obediently with God, but still be indifferent to a spouse’s needs. He or she may not even be aware of this until it is pointed out. Once it’s pointed out though, it becomes sinful to not lovingly meet the legitimate needs of the other.

The more opposite you are from your spouse the more awkward it will feel to express love in the way your spouse can receive it. And if you are not living in submission to God, then you will have little desire and no power to choose to love your spouse.

For example, if a wife is task-oriented, detailed and organized–she may feel more loved by a husband who comes home on time, balances the checkbook to the penny and takes out the garbage on time. If he ignores those things and instead writes her a love note and brings her flowers, she will probably feel misunderstood and even resentful.

The same is true of the wife who tirelessly keeps the house clean, cooks from scratch, does the laundry every night and has the household budget in line, but is so wiped out by 8:00 p.m. she has little energy left for her husband. It may be that he’d prefer dirty floors, piles of laundry and a sandwich for dinner if it means having an energetic wife at bedtime. Of course, the better scenario would be a husband who recognizes her desire to have a clean house and who helps out more with household chores, so she can relax both physically and emotionally.

Regardless of the situation you find yourself in today, the best response is always to submit to God. You can’t change your spouse, but you can cooperate with God to change you.

Submit to God, love your spouse with His power and trust Him to work in your spouse’s life.

10 Ways to Build a Stronger Marriage

During my senior year of high school football, we were getting ready to play Southern Regional. All week, our coaches told us to watch out for the “sleeper play.” More specifically, as a cornerback, I was to watch out for the sleeper play.

What Southern Regional would do is break the huddle and line up on offense to run a play. Then at the very last moment right before the snap of the ball, they would sneak a player onto the field who would stand just inches inside the out of bounds line. He would then run down the sideline and catch a deep pass.

It was drilled into us (me!) over and over that week–look for the sleeper play!

After we punted on our first possession, Southern Regional lined up for their first offensive play. The receiver I was covering ran a post pattern, which meant he cut over toward the middle of the field. As I cut to go with him, I watched as the quarterback through the ball deep toward the sideline on my side of the field.

I’d forgotten to check for the sleeper play.

Southern Regional went up 7-0. Fortunately, we won the game 21-7, but I’ve never forgotten making that mistake. I knew what to do–I just didn’t do it. I forgot my assignment. I didn’t execute the plan and it cost us a touchdown.

Life can be that way, too. So can marriage. We know what to do. We’ve been told over and over. But somehow the most important things still seem to slip away from us.

Maybe today’s a good day to be reminded of some of the foundational elements of a successful life and marriage. Here are 10 ways to build a stronger marriage beginning right now:

1. Unconditionally Surrender. (Romans 12:1-2) The foundation of a successful life and marriage begins with surrender to God. We will never experience God’s best by doing life our way.

2. See your spouse as God’s perfect gift to you. (Genesis 2:18-25) Rejecting your spouse says much more about your view of God than it does your view of your spouse.

3. Commit to be the best husband or wife you can be. Make it your goal. What’s your alternative, really? Be average? Or pretty good?

4. Be together. Work, soccer games, hobbies, church activities–they can all pull us apart if we’re not careful. Choose to spend time together. Workout together. Cook together. Walk together. Volunteer together. Find what works for you…and be together.

5. Pray together. I confess this is still a weakness for me, but I’m trying to be more consistent. You don’t have to pray long, eloquent prayers. Maybe you just need to start with, “Lord, thank you for my husband/wife. Amen.”

6. Be a student of your spouse to learn his/her needs, then outdo each other in meeting them. Make it a competition if you want to. See who can meet more needs. What does your spouse need from you today? Encouragement? Affection? A love note? A back rub? Some time alone? Some time together? Sex? Learn your spouse’s needs, then go all out meeting them.

7. Don’t be a jerk. Specifically, watch your words and your expectations. Do you talk more than you listen? Are you defensive? Is your tone of voice often rude or angry? Are your expectations unreasonable? Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes for a moment…or a day. I say that especially to us men. Guys, our wives have a much harder job than we do. And that leads to…

8. Give grace. A lot of it. We all make mistakes. We all sin. We all need forgiveness. We all need grace. Overlook an offense. Don’t make an issue out of everything.

9. Make sex and romance a priority. If you have a lower sex drive than your spouse, then this will require more effort on your part. And I’m not just talking to wives. I seem to hear more and more about wives who have a higher sex drive than their husbands. The most important thing you can do is communicate with each other and be honest about your needs. Ask God to help you in this area. Don’t ever forget that sex was God’s idea. He gave it to us as a gift and wants you to enjoy it.

Now let me address husband for a moment. Guys, if your wife doesn’t seem very responsive to your sexual needs, then maybe she needs to experience more emotional connection with you. That comes through time together and talking. Go back and read numbers 4, 5 and 6 again.

10. Spice things up. Here are a few things to think about:

• Flirt with each other. Send text messages. Leave voice mails. Leave notes for each other. Build anticipation for when you’ll be together. If you don’t flirt with your spouse, then maybe someone else will.
• Dressing modestly is fine in public, but the bedroom is a “No Modesty Zone.” Maybe it’s time to throw away the worn out pajamas and make a trip to Victoria’s Secret.
• Try this experiment for one week: take the mental energy you’d normally invest in kids activities or fantasy football or golf or spending time on Facebook and use all that time and energy to focus on meeting your spouse’s needs. That should spice things up nicely.

What other ideas do you have?

Warnings

Have you ever read the Old Testament and wondered how God could just wipe people out? I mean there’s the the flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, Jericho and all the nations in the land of Canaan.

It just seems like lots of innocent people are suddenly killed as a result of God’s orders. Where’s the God of love and patience? Where’s the grace and mercy?

Let’s take a look, beginning with the fact that there are a couple of wrong assumptions in what I’ve just said. First, no one is innocent. Paul wrote to the church in Rome:

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.”

From the youngest child to the oldest adult–no one is innocent. Not. Even. One. “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…”

Second, God doesn’t “suddenly” wipe people out. He is always patient. In the case of the Amorites who occupied the land of Canaan, God waited hundreds of years before judging them. They had centuries to turn from their evil ways, which by the way, included sacrificing their own children. Not so innocent, huh?

In 2 Kings 17, Israel is attacked and taken into captivity by the Assyrian empire. God makes clear to Israel why this happened. Because they had sinned against Him by worshiping other gods, something He had repeatedly warned them not to do.

The Lord warned Israel and Judah through all His prophets and seers: “Turn from your evil ways. Observe my commands and decrees…” 2 Kings 17:13

They rejected His decrees and the covenant He had made with their fathers and the warnings He had given them. 2 Kings 17:15

The Israelites persisted in all the sins of Jeroboam and did not turn from them until the Lord removed them from His presence, as He had warned through all His servants the prophets.” 2 Kings 17:23

Has God been warning you? Is there an area of your life He has put His finger on?

Is it a relationship? One you need to end? One you need to restore? One you need to persevere in?

Is it your finances? Has God been telling you to give? Or stop using credit cards? Is there a debt you need to repay?

Is it your health? Do you need to eat better? Begin exercising? Rest more? Work less?

Is it a sinful habit? A habit that’s now become an addiction.

I find that God will warn me in multiple ways. It could be through His word. Or a phone call from a friend. Maybe through a sermon or podcast. Or it could be difficult circumstances or a medical condition that will only get worse if ignored.

Now I’m not suggesting He’s going to wipe you out if you continue to ignore Him. Based on my own sin and stubbornness, I can tell you He’s very, very patient and full of grace and mercy.

At the heart of our sin is unbelief. We persist in going our own way and ignore God’s warnings, because we simply do not believe Him. We assume we know what is best for us. We think our plans for our lives are better than His.

We’re wrong though. We’re arrogant too. How foolish of us to ever think we know better than God.

The only answer is to take His warnings to heart, turn from our own way and follow Him.

No matter what He’s warning you about, no matter what He’s telling you to do–it is always in your best interest to obey Him.

For I Know the Plans I Have For You

I’ve begun a countdown. I even have a countdown app on my iPhone. Four hundred days from today, I will turn 50.

I don’t know about you, but 50 doesn’t sound young to me. Of course, it’s all a matter of perspective. If you’re 70, then 50 is young. If you’re 20, then 50 is ancient.

I have no expectation of living to 100 or even 90. My dad almost made it to 73. If that’s how long I have, then I’m well past the half-way point of my life. If my life is a football game, half-time is over and we’re playing in the 3rd quarter and I’m just six years from the 4th quarter.

Depending on your personality, you may be thinking all of this is a little morbid. Or you may be wondering who in the world actually thinks to countdown the days until they turn 50, especially when it’s still 400 days a way.

Here’s the thing–when I turned 30, I was disappointed. I had certain expectations that were unmet at that point. I expected my life to look different than it did. I figured by 30, I would “have my act together.” In hindsight, my expectations were the problem, not my life.

So when I turned 40, I had no such illusions of having a nice, orderly, problem-free life. There is no such thing. Turning 40 was no big deal. I guess the biggest thing I learned during the decade between turning 30 and 40 was how to extend grace. Even to myself.

So as I close in on 50, I don’t have expectations that life will be something it’s not, but I do have some expectations, of myself, that I believe are part of God’s plans for my life. There are some things I want to accomplish. There are character flaws I want to work on. There are people and activities I want to invest in.

I want to enjoy these next 400 days, but I also want to live purposefully. I want to have fun, while also walking obediently with God. In 400 days, I want to be able to look back and know I did life God’s way, not Gregg’s way.

What I’ve done is broken up the 400 days into 10 periods of 40 days each. Calendar wise, it might have been easier to just wait until the one-year mark and start counting down the months, but there’s something special about a 40-day period of time. (Jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days. The spies explored the Promised Land for 40 days.)

Each 40 day period will give me an opportunity to emphasize something different depending on what I sense God doing in my life. Maybe prayer will be an emphasis during one of the 40 days. Maybe training for a 5k race will be. Or maybe studying the book of Ephesians. We’ll see.

In this first 40 day period, I’m emphasizing writing more consistently. I want to post here more often and I also have a book I’ve been working on…or not working on. I plan to finish it by October 9th, the end of the first 40 days. My goal is to write 1,500 words a day. Ambitious, but doable.

One emphasis that will run through all 400 days, and beyond, is simply obeying God–walking according to His ways. Jeremiah 29:10-14 says:

This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

The Israelites had been conquered by the Babylonians and carried into exile. They were no longer living in and enjoying the land God had promised to give them. They were captives in a foreign land.

Why though? What went so terribly wrong?

Israel had broken the covenant with God. He had given them His laws, but they chose to not follow them. God had graciously taught them how to live, but they stubbornly went their own way. Rather than give themselves wholeheartedly to God, they adopted the practices of the nations around them.

God had made it clear that if they would follow His commands, He would bless them and prosper them and protect them. But Israel rebelled against Him. They went their own way and did their own thing.

Maybe today it feels like you’re in exile. And you’re crying out for God to bring you back. You desperately want to experience His plans to prosper you and give you a hope and a future. Fortunately, He is always gracious toward us. When we cry out–He listens. When we seek Him–we find Him.

While you’re seeking and crying out though, maybe it’s also a good time to examine your life to see what caused “your exile” in the first place. Sometimes we get into bad situations because we live in a fallen, broken world. Bad stuff happens even when we’re trying to do the right things.

Sometimes though, our own disobedience leads us into exile. Our own choices got us to where we are. And while it’s good and right to cry out to God, it’s also time to make the changes we need to make. The surest path to experiencing God’s very best plans for our lives is to simply obey Him.

Is there an area of your life that needs examining? A relationship? Your finances? Something at work? What you watch or look at? How you use your time?

Remember, God’s commands are never meant to rob our joy or fun. It’s just the opposite. God’s commands provide for us and protect us. They keep us from danger. God’s ways are always for our good. Never for our harm.

You may not be 400 days from turning 50, but there’s nothing stopping you from using these next 40 days to intentionally walk according to God’s ways, so you position yourself to experience the plans He has for you.

Something Better Than Prayer

Before I get started, some disclaimers:

1. I don’t believe in formulas. In Chemistry? Yes. In life? No. God isn’t a predictable science experiment. If we do A and B, God is not obligated to do C.
2. Life is messy. We live in a fallen, broken, sinful world. Bad things can happen even when we do the right things.
3. Mixing a fervent prayer with the right measure of faith doesn’t always yield the results we want. See #1 and #2.
4. I don’t believe people get cancer and die because they didn’t have enough faith.
5. Sin does not always prevent God from blessing us. If it did, none of us would be blessed. Ever.

Those things being said, I’ve been thinking about prayer and obedience the past few days. Now I don’t mean to pit them against each other, but go with me for a moment. Which is better–prayer or obedience?

I guess the next question would be: better for what?

How about–better for getting what we desire?

We desire better health. We desire a new car or house. We want to get married or see our current marriage improve. We want to pay our bills on time, get out of debt and have a little left over for a vacation once in awhile.

Is it better to pray or obey?

I can already hear you saying the answer: Both!

And I would agree with you. It’s obviously better to do both, but my sense is that many of us only do one. We pray. We pray for God to intervene. We pray for Him to rescue us. We pray for Him to change someone’s heart. We pray for a breakthrough.

But often, we don’t obey Him.

A couple weeks ago while driving home from a weekend out of town, I stopped for gas at a little country gas station. As I came out of the store, I noticed a very obese woman sitting in her car smoking a cigarette.

Now imagine this woman begins to experience a chronic cough and shortness of breath. Not hard to imagine, right?

She has a choice now: she could begin praying God will heal her or she could stop smoking, eat healthier and exercise. We would think she was foolish for only praying, but not changing her habits, right?

I wonder how many of us get into difficulties with our finances, our relationships or our own medical issues and beg God for a miracle or some kind of breakthrough, but what may be better is for us to simply obey Him. And then add our prayers.

In the book of Deuteronomy, Moses is giving instructions to the Israelites before they cross the Jordan River to take possession of the land of Canaan. In chapter 28, Moses goes into great detail about what will happen to them if they fully obey God and carefully follow His commands. And he goes into even greater detail about what will happen if they do not obey.

There’s no mention of prayer. God’s blessings are contingent upon their obedience, not the fervency of their prayers. God graciously instructed them on how to live and was very clear about the blessings or curses that would follow their choices.

It’s not just Moses though. In John 15:1-11, Jesus is teaching His disciples that He is the vine and they are the branches. Apart from Him, they can do nothing. In verses 7-8, He says:

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

“If you remain in me and my words remain in you…” Isn’t that another way to say, “if you obey me?” Obedience plus prayer results in much fruit bearing.

Jesus goes on in verses 9-11 to say:

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

We remain in Jesus’ love by obeying him. And what is the result of doing that?

Joy. Complete joy.

Isn’t that ultimately what we all want? Complete joy?

So what are we to do about the difficulties we find ourselves in?

Let’s take our finances for example. If we’re in a mess–are we continuing to spend beyond our income? And just as importantly, if not more so, are we giving? 2 Corinthians 9:6-8 says:

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. ⁷ Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. ⁸ And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Are we crying out to God to give us relief from our financial difficulties, while choosing to sow sparingly? God promises we will reap generously if we sow generously.

Are we asking God to heal our high blood pressure, but eating a diet full of unhealthy food? God has given us healthy foods to eat for our enjoyment and good health.

Are we desperately pleading with God to heal our marriage, but not practicing the principles in Ephesians 5:22-33 or reading a good book on marriage or attending a Weekend to Remember marriage conference or seeking counseling? Sure it takes two to heal a marriage, but are we at least doing our part?

God not only gave us His commands for our own good, He also gave us His Holy Spirit to empower us to obey them. He has instructed us on how to live this life. But are we listening? Are we following through on what He’s already told us?

I’m not at all suggesting that obeying God is somehow better than praying to God. But I am saying that if we’re praying without obeying, then I can’t help thinking God is saying, “I’ve already answered your prayer. You’ll discover it as soon as you obey me.”

Last thing: it would be worth re-reading the five disclaimers I started with.