The Fruit of the Spirit

Yesterday, my son snapped this picture of a bee that was desperately holding on to our windshield as we were driving to lunch.

You could see that as our speed increased, the little bee was straining to hold on. The bee must have thought it was trying to survive a very windy day.

If the bee would have only known that to experience calm, it only needed to let go. It was only experiencing a turbulent day because it was holding on to the wrong thing.

What wrong thing are you holding onto today?

Have you placed your security in money?

Does your happiness depend on another person?

Are you only at peace if all your circumstances are good?

Do you only feel good about yourself if you think you’re pleasing everyone around you?

Do you look to your job or your children to make you feel significant?

Galatians 5:22-23 says:

“…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

If we hold on to anything or anyone other than God Himself, our lives will feel out of control, turbulent, confusing and chaotic. But that’s not God’s intention for us.

When we surrender everything we have, everything we are and everything we desire to Him–we experience the fruit of His Spirit. We don’t produce the fruit–He produces it as a result of living surrendered lives and walking in obedience. And He even gives us the power to obey Him if only we will trust Him.

We can do life our way or we can do it His way.

Which way are you doing it today?

Are You Ready For a Change?

In the mid-90′s, I was in a job I didn’t like and was looking for a change. A couple years later, I was without a job and looking for a change. Ten years later, I was again in a job that was no longer a fit and was looking for a change.

Last week, I visited a friend in the hospital who’d recently undergone major surgery to remove several tumors. A week after the surgery, he was fighting off a serious infection. He just wanted to start feeling better. He was looking for a change.

I’ve talked to numerous men and women who are unhappy in their marriages. They are looking for a change.

When our circumstances are difficult or unpleasant or just less than desirable–we’re all looking for a change. We want to move on. We want something better. We want God to do something. Sooner than later.

I’m sure the nation of Israel felt the same way.

They’d been slaves in Egypt for 400 years and when change finally came, it was short-lived. Because of their rebellion and unbelief, God made them wander in the desert for 40 years until all those over the age of 20 died off.

Once that generation had died, God led Israel to the east side of the Jordan River in preparation for crossing into the land of Canaan–the land He’d sworn to give to Abraham hundreds of years earlier.

Can you imagine the anticipation?

It would be like a few days before your wedding, Christmas and the best vacation ever all rolled into one. All you’ve ever known is slavery and living in a desert and now, you’re about to move into the land that God is giving you for your very own. They will live in cities they didn’t build. They’ll harvest vineyards they didn’t plant. They’ll be out of the dry, dusty desert and enjoying a land with streams and pools of water.

Everything is about to change for the better.

But is Israel ready?

Moses described them as a rebellious and stiff-necked people. They were prone to grumbling, complaining and wandering. They had short memories–often forgetting what God had done for them.

Are they ready for what God is doing for them? Will they be fully able to enjoy this good land He’s giving them? Have they learned anything from their past?

Still valid questions today.

Are you ready? Are you ready for whatever change God may want to bring into your life?

Are you ready for a new relationship? Are you ready for your marriage to become all God intended? Are you ready for the new job? The new city to live in? The new addition to your family? The increase in pay? New opportunities and responsibilities?

I don’t mean are you tired of your current circumstances. That’s a given. I’m talking about actually being ready to receive or enjoy or capitalize on whatever God is about to do.

When Israel came out of Egypt, God led them to Mt. Sinai where they received the 10 commandments. They would camp there for some time as God revealed many other commands. And before they were ready to cross the Jordan, Moses reviewed God’s commands and explained how to live them out in the new land they would possess.

There are a couple significant passages from what Moses taught that may help us answer the question: Are you ready for a change?

Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. (Deuteronomy 6:4-10)

Love God. Have His commandments on your heart. Impress them upon your children. Talk about them.

Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love God. He also said we demonstrated love by obeying Him.

Moses also said:

Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers. Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. (Deuteronomy 8:1-5)

During the 40 years in the desert, God was humbling the Israelites and teaching them that they didn’t just live on bread, but on every word of His. They were to love and cherish and depend on His words. Regardless of how you got to where you are today–God desires to teach you that you cannot live apart from knowing and believing His word.

Are you ready for a change?

We can answer that question with a few other questions…

Are you growing in your love for God? Is your desire to obey Him and walk in His ways increasing?

Do you find yourself talking more about God’s word with others? Are you sharing what you’re learning?

Are you realizing that His word is life to you and that it can be trusted even when your feelings and circumstances aren’t making sense?

Are you only seeking relief from your circumstances or are you seeking God? (If you’re only seeking relief, then it will be easy to forget God once “you eat and are satisfied.”)

A new land, a change of scenery, a better life, relief from present pain and difficulties in the desert–they may be right around the corner.

Now is the time to get ready for them.

Questions and Wonderings

I admit it–I’m very sentimental and nostalgic. I keep some important newspapers so my kids can have them one day. In my storage unit, I have boxes of my kids’ old school papers. I have a terrible time throwing away old t-shirts. I can’t part with some of the shirts and ties my dad wore. And I have over 25 years of journals I’ll one day pass down to my children along with the Bibles I’ve read and written in.

I want my children and grandchildren and great-children to know me. And I want to know them. Sadly, I know very little about my own grandparents. I never knew my grandparents on my dad’s side–my grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather died when I was too young to know him. On my mom’s side, I knew my grandmother and a step-grandfather. But now I wish I’d know them better.

I have four children. Two are married. No grandchildren yet. If grandchildren come along in the next few years, then it’s certainly possible that within 30 years, I could be a great-grandfather. If I’m still around. In 30 years, I’ll be 78. My dad only made it to 72.

It’s unlikely that I’ll ever know my great-great grandchildren or that they’ll ever know me. I’d be closing in on 90 to 100. Not many people live that long. Of course, if my journals, books, pictures, videos and blog posts survive–they’ll at least know about me.

They just won’t know about my childhood, my high school years, what college was like for me or how I met my wife. I won’t be around for them to ask questions about those kinds of things. If they’d even be interested.

Unfortunately, we don’t seem to be interested in our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. until it’s too late. Not long before he died, I asked my dad to write down some memories from earlier in his life. A time before I was born. Because he was ill, it was difficult for him to write, but he did manage to fill about seven pages from a yellow legal pad.

He always like writing on those. When I was a kid, he would sit at the kitchen table and chart out long trips. In the days before Google, Mapquest and GPS devices, planning a vacation was done with a paper map and a legal pad.

There’s a lot I’d like to ask my dad, but he’s been gone for over six years now. I’d like to talk to my mom, too, but she’s been gone for over 15 years. I’d like to know more about their childhood and teen years. I’d like to hear more of my dad’s football stories. I think he intercepted a pass and returned it for a touchdown in his first college game.

I’d like to know more about their early years of marriage when they lived in Tarreytown, New York where my dad was a teacher and football coach. I remember my dad telling me he was making $3,500 a year as a teacher and figured if he could just make $5,000 a year, he’d have it made.

It’s too late for me to talk to my dad, but it wasn’t too late for a guy named Lamech to talk to his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather. I don’t know if he did, but it would have at least been possible. They were alive at the same time.

So who was Lamech? He was Noah’s father. Yup, that Noah.

And who was his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather?

Adam.

Yes, Adam. The first man. He lived to be 930 and was still alive when Lamech was born.

I wonder what it was like for Adam and Eve. To be honest, I rarely think about them beyond the garden of Eden. After they sinned, they were expelled from the garden, but I don’t give much thought to what life was like for them after that.

Of course, we don’t even know how long Eve lived, but let’s say she lived to be 600 years old. That means they were married for 600 years. You’d get to know a person pretty well after six centuries together.

Do you think they ever reminisced about the days before they sinned? Did they go for long walks and talk about those days of living in the garden?

How much does your memory fade after hundreds and hundreds of years? Did the days of walking with God before the temptation feel like another lifetime? Were some of the details fuzzy or was the garden experience so incredible that they never forgot any of it?

They walked with God in the garden. Just like we will when God makes all things new and restores the earth to His original design. We’ll walk with Him like they did.

Do you think Adam and Eve forgot what God looked like? What His voice sounded like?

I don’t know how many people were on earth by the time Lamech was born, but it was a lot. So it’s doubtful if Adam (and Eve, if she was alive) even knew he was born. I mean, they couldn’t keep up with everyone. The whole world was related to them.

I wonder if Lamech was aware of Adam though. Were people even aware that Adam was still alive?

You know how it is when we see someone famous. We whisper. We point. Some of us try to meet them. Were Adam and Eve famous? Was it big news when they died? Or did no one really care?

How long did it take before everyone forgot they were related to one another? Maybe being related doesn’t even matter much. Cain killed Abel. The first two brothers couldn’t even get along. Same thing after the flood–how long until the children of Shem, Ham and Japheth started hating each other?

Do you think Adam and Eve blamed themselves for the evil in the world? Did they struggle with guilt?

I can imagine Adam and Eve lying quietly in bed together at the age of 500 and Eve whispering in the dark, “If only I hadn’t listened to his lies.”

Adam sighs. After a moment he replies, “I know. Why didn’t I stop him? Why didn’t I say anything?”

Then they drift off to sleep. In silence. Wondering what might have been.

I wonder how often they had to remind each other of God’s love and grace and forgiveness?

I wonder how often we should remind each other.

And I wonder who we need to get to know better. Before it’s too late.

I told you I’m sentimental and nostalgic.

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This week, I released the devotional: I Believe God: a 40 day adventure. The price is only $2.99 and is available in multiple formats. If you’d like the Amazon Kindle edition, it’s here.

Where Are You God?

One of the most confusing and painful things we will ever go through is a desperate, heartfelt prayer that goes unanswered. Or at least seems to.

In John 11, Jesus gets word that his good friend Lazarus is sick. Jesus tells His disciples, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”

Then John tells us that Jesus loved Mary, Martha and Lazarus. That’s significant because of the word that comes next. The word that confuses us. The word on which the whole story hinges.

“Yet.”

“Yet when he heard that Lazarus was sick, He stayed where he was two more days.”

Does that bother you? Just a little?

Jesus loved Lazarus and his sisters. He got word Lazarus was sick. Yet He stayed where He was for two more days.

Of course, if you know the end of the story, it’s not so bad. You know that even though Lazarus dies, Jesus brings him back to life. But put yourself in the story–these were real people, after all. Put yourself in Mary’s position or Martha’s. You’ve sent for help from the one person you know can make a difference, but He doesn’t show.

And it’s not like Jesus let them know He wasn’t coming. He just didn’t show. His good friend is sick, but He stays where He is.

Maybe Lazarus was too sick to even know what was happening, but Mary and Martha saw that Jesus wasn’t coming. I’m sure they kept watching the road, waiting for Him. But He was a no-show.

“Yet.”

Maybe you or a loved one are dealing with a serious illness. You’ve begged God for healing, but God doesn’t seem to be doing anything. And the condition is getting worse.

Could be you’re trying to sell your house. Surely, it’s not God’s will for you to be stuck with a house you can’t get out of, right?

Or you’re waiting for a call back after the job interview. You thought it had gone well, but it’s been two weeks and they were supposed to call back a week ago.

Maybe you’ve tried and tried and tried to get pregnant. Your friends have babies, but God doesn’t seem to be listening to your cries.

Where are you, God?

Jesus told His disciples that the sickness would not end in death, rather it was for God’s glory. Jesus could have easily gone right away and healed Lazarus. We know from other stories that He really didn’t even need to go–He just needed to say the word and Lazarus would have been healed.

This time was going to be different though. This time Jesus was going to raise a man from the dead. A man who’d be in the grave for four days.

What if God is using your circumstances, your waiting, your suffering, your confusion…for His glory? Could it be that God is orchestrating circumstances in a way that brings glory to Him?

I know there’s pain and confusion in the waiting. And unlike the situation with Lazarus, our circumstances don’t always turn out like we’d hoped. Our family member dies. The house doesn’t sell and we lose it in foreclosure. The job goes to someone else. A good, faithful woman remains infertile.

I won’t pretend to understand why God does or doesn’t answer some prayers. And I don’t have the words to erase the pain that unanswered prayers can cause, but there’s something very, very powerful that happens right before Jesus raises Lazarus.

Eventually, Jesus made His way to Bethany where Mary and Martha were now mourning their brother. After talking with Martha, she goes to get Mary. When Jesus sees the pain Mary is in, John tells us that:

“Jesus wept.”

Why did Jesus cry? Think about it–He’d already told His disciples that the sickness would not end in death and He knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, but it didn’t matter. He still entered into their pain.

Jesus is not far away and unconcerned. He sees what you’re going through and feels your pain.

As you live in a season of “yet”, remember that while God is orchestrating circumstances for His glory, He also feels your pain. He hurts with you. Waiting is never easy. Often it’s confusing and painful. But there’s a good and loving God in it with you.

Walking On Water

Have you ever been doing well one minute, but felt worried or anxious the very next minute? It happens to me. Sometimes it’s not even apparent why my feelings have changed. One minute I feel peace and the next minute I’m anxious. Usually though, if I stop and think about it, I can identify the thought that led to the change in feelings.

Maybe you can relate.

You feel confident God will meet your financial needs, but then you think about that tax bill or medical bill that’s due. And a wave of panic washes over you.

You believe God is going to heal you, but you remember that your type of illness usually gets worse, not better.

You’ve applied for several jobs and even had a couple of good interviews. You’ve felt God’s assurance that things will work out, but several weeks have passed and you haven’t heard any news.

One minute we feel God’s presence and sense His peace. We feel so confident He’s going to come through for us. And then, almost without warning, we’ve overcome by worry or anxiety or fear. Then God seems distant and our situation feels hopeless.

I think Peter could relate to us. Check out this story in Matthew 14:22-33…

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

This isn’t the first time the disciples have experience a miracle while on the lake. Previously, they encountered a great storm while trying to cross the lake. It was so bad they feared they were going to drown. Where was Jesus? He was in the stern of the boat. Sleeping.

They weren’t in any danger. God Himself was in the boat with them. Jesus stood up, calmed the storm and then asked His disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

This time though, Jesus isn’t in the boat. He sent the disciples on ahead while He prayed. In the middle of the night, He walks out on the water to them.

Of course, they’re frightened, but Jesus tells them, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

That’s not good enough for Peter though. He’ll believe it’s Jesus if he’s able to walk on the water.

Don’t you love Peter? Maybe he made mistakes and said some dumb things, but at least he took action. We don’t see the other eleven disciples willing to get out of the boat. Just Peter.

So Peter gets out of the boat and begins to walk on the water toward Jesus. Stop there for a minute. Peter. Walked. On water. He was just a regular guy. He was no different than you or me, but when He listened to Jesus, he was able to walk on water.

Everything changes in verse 30 though:

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

It has always struck me that Peter “saw the wind.” You can’t really see wind, right? He saw something that you really can’t see. I guess he actually saw the effects of the wind blowing the waves around. Still though, Matthew makes the point of telling us that Peter saw the wind and was afraid.  And once the fear hit him, he began to sink.

Peter was fine as long as he was looking at Jesus and walking toward Him. It’s when he took his eyes off Jesus and got them on the situation that he was afraid.

That’s what happens to us. We’re fine one minute–walking on the water in the midst of a storm, but then we look around at what we can see (or can’t see) and we panic.

We’re not meant to live by sight though. We’re meant to live by faith, by trusting God, not our circumstances. We worry and feel anxious and afraid when we start looking at the wrong things. Yes, the bills, the diagnosis, the broken relationship–they’re all real, but they’re not to be our focus.

Jesus calls all of us to get out of the boat and walk toward Him. And when we do, we can experience His supernatural presence, protection and provision in the midst of the most terrible storms…if we will keep our eyes on Him and trust that He is able to keep our heads above water.

When you feel the waves of worry and fear starting to pull you under, choose to stop looking at the wind. Choose instead to focus on Jesus and continue walking toward Him.

He will not let you drown.

God’s Perspective

I started feeling sick a week ago. I thought it was just a cold, so I loaded up on cold medicine. All week. Yesterday, I started on an antibiotic for a sinus infection.

It hasn’t been a great month so far. Of course, compared to others, my month has been wonderful. In Numbers 20, in the first month of the year, the Israelite community has been wandering in the desert for 40 years. They arrive at the Desert of Zin and camped at a place called Kadesh.

It’s there that Miriam, Moses’ sister dies.

In the very next verse, we learn that the whole community gathers in opposition to Moses and Aaron. They’re not happy about the desert, the lack of food and the lack of water. After 40 years, they’ve had enough.

So your sister dies and then the people you’ve been leading for 40 years decide now is a good time to rebel against your leadership.

Moses and Aaron retreat to the Tent of Meeting and fall facedown. The Tent of Meeting is the place where God shows up to speak, which He does. He tells Moses to take his staff and “speak to that rock” which will then pour out water.

Moses does what God commands. Well, almost.

Rather than speaking to the rock, Moses hits it with his staff. Twice. The good news is that even though Moses hits the rock rather than speaking to it–water still pours out. The bad news is really bad though. Because Moses hit the rock rather than speak to it–God tells him that he and Aaron will not be allowed to enter the Promised Land.

In verse 12, it says:

But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”

After 40 years of leading this ungrateful mob through the desert, Moses and Aaron learn they won’t be crossing the Jordan River because they didn’t do exactly what God commanded.

Does God’s response seem out of proportion? Honestly, it does to me. But I’m not seeing the situation from God’s perspective. And that’s the only one that matters.

It’s time to break camp and move on, so Moses sends messengers to the king of Edom. Moses asks for permission to pass through his country. He tells the king they’ll stay on the road and not pass through and fields or vineyards or drink any of the water.

The king says “no.”

Moses tries again and tells the king he’ll pay for any water they drink as they pass through.

Again, the king says “no,” but this time sends out a large, powerful army to back up what he said.

So Moses leads Israel away from Edom and they head toward Mount Hor. That’s when God speaks again:

At Mount Hor, near the border of Edom, the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, “Aaron will be gathered to his people. He will not enter the land I give the Israelites, because both of you rebelled against my command at the waters of Meribah. Get Aaron and his son Eleazar and take them up Mount Hor. Remove Aaron’s garments and put them on his son Eleazar, for Aaron will be gathered to his people; he will die there.”

Moses did what God commanded. The three of them go up to the mountain top. Aaron dies. Then Moses and Eleazer come down. When the community learns that Aaron had died, they mourn for 30 days.

And so ends Numbers chapter 20. It begins with the death of Miriam. Along the way, Moses learns he won’t be making the trip into the Promised Land. A large, powerful army faces him down. And then Aaron, his right hand man, dies.

Moses and Aaron, the two men responsible for leading the nation of Israel for 40 years, are guilty of committing a serious offense against God: they did not trust Him and rebelled against His command.

Hitting a rock rather than speaking to it may not seem like such a big deal to us, but it is to God. His commands aren’t suggestions. They are meant to be obeyed.

It doesn’t mean there isn’t grace and forgiveness. There is. But I wonder how often we miss out on opportunities and blessings because we choose to do things our own way rather than God’s.

Is there something God has told you to do? In a certain way?

It’s best to just do it.

Why miss out on God’s best?

Was Jonah Just An Idiot?

Do you ever read a story in the Bible and wonder what in the world those people were thinking? Doesn’t it seem like some of the things people did were just really, really dumb?

We would never be so stupid.

Or would we?

Check out the first four verses of the book of Jonah:

The word of the LORD came to Jonah son of Amittai: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”

But Jonah ran away from the LORD and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the LORD.

Then the LORD sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.

God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah, but Jonah doesn’t want to. Instead, he heads in the opposite direction. God’s response is to cause a violent storm to get Jonah’s attention. You can read the rest of the story here.

My first reaction is to wonder what kind of an idiot Jonah must have been to think he could hide from God. Seriously. Where do you go to hide from God?

But I run from God too. Don’t you? We know what God says to do, but we do our own thing anyway. We turn from His way and go our own way. And we think He won’t really mind or notice or pursue us.

What strikes me in this story is that God alters the weather in a very dramatic way to get the attention of just one man. Many others are also effected by the storm, but God’s purpose is to get the attention of just one person.

I wonder how often God brings storms into our lives to get our attention.

I’m not suggesting that all of our difficulties are due to disobedience, but could some of them be?

If we’re headed in the wrong direction, away from God’s will and God’s best for us, might He use a financial or relational or health-related “storm” to get our attention?

Please hear me, I’m NOT suggesting that every tragedy is the result of sin. And I’m also not saying that our best attempts to obey God will ward off every bad circumstance. In a fallen world, bad things happen…to everyone.

But if God hasn’t changed, then He still cares about how each one of us respond to His commands. And He’s still infinitely creative in how He might choose to get our attention. For Jonah, He used a violent storm and a very large fish.

Could a storm in your life today be God’s loving, gracious attempt to get your attention? To help you see it’s time to turn back to Him and what He’s called you to do?

Don’t keep running. Don’t wait until your circumstances become so bad that it feels like you’ve been swallowed by a fish. Turn back to Him. God’s grace and power are available to you right now.

It’s not too late. You haven’t exhausted God’s grace. Jonah hadn’t. Neither have you.

Top 10 Ways to Quickly Strengthen Your Marriage

Last week, I posted “45 Ways to Slowly Kill Your Marriage.” I had a request for how to strengthen a marriage, so here are my top 10 ways to quickly strengthen your marriage:

1. Meet your spouse’s needs. First, you need to know what they are. Become a student of your spouse to find out. Write down everything you learn. Then start meeting those needs.

Yes, it’s that simple. Easy? Not always. Simple? Yes.

If you’re trying to come up with some needs, here are a few to get things kick-started: conversation, alone time, words of encouragement, romance, a hug, quality time with you, help with the housework, sex, a weekend away, an extra hour of sleep, respect, a phone call “just because”, a massage, etc.

Keep in mind, you’re looking for your spouse’s needs, not your needs. Also, while you’re at it, discover some wants and meet those, too.

2. Be third. God first. Spouse second. You third.

I know you also have needs and wants that aren’t being met and you may be giving a lot more than your spouse, but choose to meet your spouse’s needs even if yours aren’t being met.

What’s the alternative? Pull back and wait until your spouse goes first?

How well do you think that’s going to work?

I know it won’t be easy, but you will reap what you sow. Be the bigger person and begin serving your spouse. See what God does.

3. Pray together. If this is a scary thought to you, then start small. Before you go to sleep tonight, hold hands and say, “Lord, thank you for my husband/wife.” If it’s not so scary, then take a few minutes to pray for each other.

4. Believe God. Difficulties are inevitable, so learning how to deal with them as a couple is critical. The most important thing you can do is focus your attention on God, not your circumstances. Your financial crisis, medical issue or rebellious child may seem overwhelming, but it’s not to God. He has a solution and He has peace for you. Read Hebrews 11:6.

Choose to trust Him and not give in to worry, fear and anxiety. Those negative emotions will only poison your marriage.

How do you begin believing God, not your circumstances? There’s no substitute for spending time reading the Bible. In it, God has revealed Himself, His purposes and His ways. As we discover who God is and how He works, our capacity to trust Him is enlarged. Difficult circumstances no longer seem insurmountable when seen through God’s eyes.

5. Be your best. About 18 months into marriage, Robyn and I attended a “Weekend to Remember” marriage conference. During that weekend, I realized what a poor job I was doing as her husband. I decided then to be the best husband I could be. That was in 1987. While I’m far from perfect, I’m much further along than had I never made that decision.

6. Give grace. Your spouse is going to blow it. A lot. What are you going to do then? Keep score? Hold a grudge? Punish? Where will that get you?

What if instead, you gave grace and forgiveness? The way God does to us. What if you chose to treat your spouse the way you want to be treated when you fail? Again, I know this isn’t easy, but that leads to the next point…

7. Be filled with the Holy Spirit. In Ephesians 5, Paul gives instructions to husbands and wives. It’s some heavy stuff. And in our own strength, it’s impossible stuff. So prior to giving those instructions, in verse 18, he said, “…be filled with the Holy Spirit.”

To be filled with the Holy Spirit means to be under his influence. In fact, Paul compares being drunk to being filled with the Spirit. When someone is drunk, they speak and act in a way that indicates they’re under the influence of alcohol. When we are under the influence of the Holy Spirit, we will speak and act like He desires.

How can you be filled with the Holy Spirit? Simply by surrendering control of your life to Him. You can be in control or He can. He’s not going to fight you for control. He’s going to wait for you to give it to Him. When you do, you will experience His wisdom and power in your life.

8. Get healthy. You can’t change your spouse, but you can change you. Commit to getting healthy both physically and emotionally. If you’re not eating right or exercising, then you won’t feel well. If you don’t feel well, you won’t have the energy to invest in your marriage. If you don’t know where to start, click here.

You also need to commit to good emotional health. If your leg is broken, you’ll have an extremely difficult time running a mile. It would be painfully obvious that what you need is a doctor to set your leg in a cast, so you can heal.

The problem with our emotional health is the broken things are less obvious. The consequences are no less serious though. If you’re walking around with unresolved issues from your childhood, hurt and resentment from a previous marriage, a bad experience in a legalistic church or some other emotionally traumatic event, then you do not have the emotional health required for a successful marriage. You just don’t. So get help.

How do you know if you need help?

If you often feel angry, anxious or depressed–you need help.

If you need _______________ to feel good, relieve stress, unwind or shake off a bad day–you need help. Put whatever you want in the blank: food, alcohol, drugs, pornography, shopping, sex, gambling, chocolate, etc.

If you often feel guilty or ashamed–you need help.

If you are verbally abusive to your spouse–you need help.

If you’ve ever hit your spouse (or been hit)–you need help.

If you’ve lost any hope of your situation getting better–you need help.

Find a Christian counselor and make an appointment. Do it today. You’ll be stuck until you do.

9. Be playful. Sure marriage takes some work, but it doesn’t have to be all work. Lighten up a little. Have fun with each other. Take a walk. Take dancing lessons. Take a shower (together). Go on a bike ride. Cook together. Send each other suggestive text messages. Go to a dollar store and buy each other five gifts. Exchange them over coffee and dessert. Play a game. Put the kids to bed early, order Chinese food and watch a funny movie.

Just enjoy each other and laugh together. Like when you were dating.

10. Get away. If you can afford it, spend a couple nights in a bed and breakfast or hotel. Don’t take any work. Leave the laptop at home. Turn off your phones. Focus on each other. Eat some good meals. Take walks. Talk about your dreams. Consider attending a “Weekend to Remember” for your weekend away.

Getting away from the normal routine of life will do wonders for your marriage. If you can’t remember the last time you got away, then schedule something now.

Obviously, these all work better and more quickly if you both commit to do them, but don’t wait for your spouse. (Read #2 again.) Do what you know to do. Start right now. Trust God with the results.

Okay, here’s a bonus one:

11. Be your spouse’s biggest fan. While you’re studying your spouse looking for needs, also be on the lookout for strengths. What is your spouse good at? What do they enjoy doing? What are they passionate about? What gets them excited?

Once you have those answers, encourage them to pursue those activities, ideas or dreams. Cheer them on. Help them. Help find the resources to make it happen. Do whatever you can to help the vision become reality.

As often as you can, say, “I’m so proud of you.”

The Lord Disciplines Those He Loves

I grew up in a town called Brick, New Jersey, which is about 90 minutes south of New York City and 90 minutes east of Philadelphia. I loved growing up there. It was a beach town, I had great friends and the high school football program was one of the best in the state.My high school coach was Warren Wolf. It was an honor to play for him. Thousands of others who played for him would agree with me. He was tough and required a lot of us, but he loved those who played for him.

There’s no doubt I’m a step or two (or three) slower than I used to be, but even though it was 30 years ago, I could still run some of the plays we had in our offense. Why? Because we ran them over and over and over until we got them right. Coach Wolf corrected our mistakes and made us run the play again…and again…and again.

“Get on the ball! Run it again!”

Any good coach is going to correct mistakes and make his team run the play until it’s done right. That’s how you get better. That’s how you win games. That’s how you achieve goals.

So why do we get so discouraged or angry or confused when God corrects us? Proverbs 3:11-12 says:

My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

When you encounter painful circumstances, difficult people, situations that seem beyond your ability to handle–remember, God is not angry with you. He hasn’t left you. He hasn’t forgotten you. It’s just the opposite–He is treating you as His child. He is training you.

We will not always see things in our lives that need correction and we cannot possibly see character qualities that must be strengthened for what lies ahead. But God does. He is the perfect Teacher, the perfect Coach, the perfect Father.

One of my greatest failures as a Christ-follower is believing the lie that says God is not good and doesn’t love me if I’m facing difficulties or painful circumstances. The truth is that God trains (disciplines) those He loves. He accomplishes His training by using some of the very things I fight against and want to avoid at all costs.

So the next time you or someone you love faces an unexpected and unwanted medical issue, a financial crisis hits, a boss or co-worker treats you unfairly or the desire of your heart goes unfulfilled–consider that maybe God is using those things to train you to be more like Jesus.

His discipline is evidence of His great love for you.

Keeping In Step With Jesus

Yesterday, I posted a video of the Marine Corps Silent Drill platoon. (Scroll down or click here to see it.) Those Marines are in perfect step with each other. Every movement is in sync.

What would it be like if we were in sync with Jesus? Our steps in line with His? Following Him where He led us, not going our own way?

As I was reading Mark 10 recently, I was struck by the various reactions people had to Jesus when they were out of step with Him…and in one instance the reaction of someone was actually in step.

The chapter opens with the Pharisees coming to Jesus in an attempt to trip Him up. They were looking for a reason to accuse Him, so they tested Him with a question regarding divorce. Read it here.

We don’t see their reaction to the answer Jesus gave, but most likely they weren’t happy. They weren’t seeking the truth, they were simply questioning Jesus’ teachings and authority.

When we’re out of step with Jesus, we doubt Him. We question Him. We wonder if He’ll really come through for us. Sometimes we look for loopholes in His words or try to twist them to say what we’d like. We’re not interested in truly following Him, we only want to justify our current choices.

After this, people start to bring children to Jesus so He can touch and bless them. Apparently, the disciples didn’t see this as an important activity for Jesus to be engaged in, so they rebuked the people. When Jesus saw what was happening, He was indignant.

When we’re out of step with Jesus, we fail to understand His heart. Sometimes we see people as an inconvenience or interruptions to our plans. We’ve got things to do and can’t be bothered. But people are the plan. Even little children. When we’re too busy to slow down and love “the least of these”, then we’re no longer in step with Jesus.

After blessing the children, Jesus starts on His way when a man runs up and falls on his knees in front of Him. The man wants to know what he must do to inherit eternal life. When Jesus tells him to sell everything he has and give it to the poor, the man goes away sad because he had great wealth.

Is there a greater indicator of whether or not we’re in step with Jesus than our money? Jesus sure talked a lot about it. Let me ask you–do you tend to view your money as 90% yours and 10% God’s? Or maybe 80% yours and 20% God’s? Or do you tend to go the other way where it’s 95% yours and only 5% God’s?

Actually, none of those views are correct. It’s 100% God’s. Your house, your car, your clothes, your dishwasher, your bank account, your retirement account, your everything–all belong to God. He gave them to you and He can take them from you. You and I own nothing.

So if it all belongs to God and there are others in need around you–what might God want to do with His wealth He’s entrusted to you? What if you made it your goal to give away as much as possible?

What might God do for those who freely gave away the wealth entrusted to them? Why don’t you find out?

So you would think that if your Friend tells you He’s going to be mocked, spit on, flogged and killed that you’d have some compassion for Him. Not the disciples. At least not James and John. No, they came to Jesus and said, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask.”

Stop there for a minute. Do for us whatever we ask? What? Isn’t that the way little children talk?

And isn’t that the way we act sometimes when we pray?

We would never express it the way James and John did, but we expect God to do what we want, don’t we? We feel like if we do our part, then God should do His part. If we behave then God should bless us. But we’re out of step with Jesus when we think that way.

Instead, what if we spent more time getting to know His heart, so that we asked for the right things to begin with? Rather than making requests God has no intention of granting, what if our goal was to know Him so well that our desires were in line with His? Then when we prayed, He was delighted to answer us.

We have one more person in chapter 10 who encounters Jesus, the only one who seems to actually be in step with Him.

As Jesus and His disciples are leaving Jericho, a blind man named, Bartimaeus, starts begging Jesus for mercy. Verse 48 says, “Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet…”

Not to pick on them, but do you think the “many” may have included one or two of the disciples? It wouldn’t surprise me. As close as they were to Jesus, they just seemed to always be out of step with Him. They didn’t see that the little children weren’t an interruption, but were actually the reason Jesus came. And the blind man wasn’t slowing Jesus down from reaching His objective–the blind man was the objective.

Do problems, inconveniences and unexpected difficulties throw you off? Do they make you angry? Anxious? Worried?

Yesterday, was a long day that ended with some car trouble at around 10:30 p.m. There are few things more effective than car problems to test whether or not I’m in step with Jesus.

Last night, I was out of step.

Today, I’m trying to get back in step.

As I was telling some friends earlier today, I’d really like to reduce the amount of time that elapses between becoming aware of the problem and my decision to believe God. Depending on the size of the problem, I may go anywhere from a few hours to a few days of being out of step.

Of course, the size of the problem is completely irrelevant. They’re all the same to God. There’s nothing He can’t handle. No problem is too big or too small for Him. I need to be quicker to remember that. I’m a lot more pleasant to be around when I’m in step with Jesus.

Well, Jesus asks Bartimaeus, “What do you want me to do for you?”

He replies, “Rabbi, I want to see.”

“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.”

Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

Isn’t it funny that the only person in chapter 10 who seems to have been in step with Jesus was a blind man?

I guess when you’re a blind beggar, pride is out the window. You’re not trying to trick Jesus with your questions. You’re not indignant over the little children. You’re not in bondage to your wealth. And you don’t make stupid requests.

You’re just a blind beggar who wants to see and who’s more than happy to follow, in step, the One who gave you your sight.