You Don’t “Fall” Out of Love

Have you ever been feeling fine one minute and the next minute you feel anxious or worried or at least a little unsettled?

Does that happen to you? It does to me.

My feelings or mood can change in an instant without any apparent change in my circumstances. One moment I’m fine. The next moment I’m fed up with it all.

Peace gives way to worry.

Contentment turns to restlessness.

Joy fades and is replaced by gloom.

And this can all happen in just about the blink of an eye. But why? What can cause my feelings to change so quickly?

It’s my thoughts. My thoughts are what can change so quickly. And they have a wide-open, direct path to my feelings. Thoughts create feelings.

It’s easy to verify this. Just watch a scary movie. It’s late at night. The babysitter is alone in the house. She’s watching the news and learns a murderer has escaped from a nearby prison. Then the power goes out and she hears a noise. She quietly makes her way to the kitchen and discovers the door has blown open.

How are you feeling as you watch? Nervous? How would you feel if you were watching the movie while all alone…late at night…while babysitting? Anxious? Scared?

The movie is acting as a stimulus, which is producing a response of certain feelings in us.

Or is it?

The movie is the stimulus, but there’s a step in the process before we get to the feelings response. And that missing step is our thoughts about what we’re seeing on the screen.

As we watch, we begin to invest in the character. We wonder (think about) what will happen next? We start to anticipate the murderer showing up and breaking into the house. Our imagination (mind) starts to take over.

And those thoughts produce feelings of nervousness or fear.

Want your feelings to change? Just change your thoughts. Easier said than done, I know. But it is possible. It can be done. God wouldn’t give us a command like, “Do not be anxious about anything…” if it wasn’t somehow possible to obey it.

That passage in Philippians 4 goes on to say, “…but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” How do we deal with anxious feelings? We pray. We offer God our thanksgiving. We present our requests to Him. In other words, we believe God, know that what He says is true and then take action.

And then Paul writes, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Read the rest of the passage to see what else Paul says about thinking.

We can’t change our feelings unless we change our thoughts. And changing our thoughts isn’t very easy unless we also change our actions. And changing our actions will almost always require faith. We must believe God.

So how might this play out in marriage? Maybe for a husband who says, “I’ve fallen out of love with my wife. The spark is gone.”

What would you tell him?

Some people would suggest counseling. And that may be very helpful.

Some would jump to getting a divorce. You’re not happy? Get out. Get on with your life.

But what if the feelings are just a symptom? What if the real problem is a wrong thought? And what if the way to begin correcting the wrong thought is to believe God and start taking action by faith?

Ephesians 5:33 says, “…each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself…”

Do you think God is telling husbands to feel something? “Alright you guys, start feeling warm, affectionate feelings toward your wives!”

That wouldn’t really work, would it? Even if that’s what it meant, we’d still have to change our thoughts. If I told you to feel sad, you’d have to think sad thoughts. The same goes for feeling angry or scared or anxious. Again, thoughts produce feelings. So what needs to change is our thoughts. And those will change as we believe God and start to act in line with His word.

So what about the husband (or wife) who has fallen out of love?

If he’ll listen, he needs to know that he can fall back into love by starting to love his wife. Love is a verb. You do loving things and the feelings will follow along. Maybe not immediately, but they’ll come.

He can begin to serve her and sacrifice for her. He can put her needs before his own. He can engage her in conversation. He can take the initiative to meet her needs in the bedroom. He can cook dinner and clean the kitchen. He can prepare a hot bath for her while he helps the kids with their homework.

Will he feel like doing those things? Not at first. But we’re not talking about feelings, are we?

We’re talking about the verb, love. And verbs are action words. Run. Kick. Laugh. Climb. Tickle. Love. All actions.

Believe God and walk by faith. Begin to love and think differently. Change your thoughts. Stop thinking love is just a feeling that you’ve “fallen out of.” You didn’t fall out of love. You acted your way out of it.

You can act your way back in.

Wired by God For Pleasure

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

“This life doesn’t matter. It’s all about eternity and life in heaven.”

Do you agree?

I don’t. Not any more anyway.

It wasn’t that long ago that I would have agreed with that statement or something like it. Or I would have at least thought I was supposed to agree with it. The problem was that my heart just wasn’t in it. And now my head isn’t either.

God created us as physical beings in a physical world. Yes, we’re also spiritual beings and live in a spiritual world, but the physical part isn’t bad or wrong.

After six days of creation, God pronounced that everything was good. His physical creation, including Adam, was good. In fact, the only thing that wasn’t good was Adam being alone. So God formed Eve and brought her to Adam.

Adam and Eve, just like you and me, were given five senses that allowed them to relate to and experience this physical world. And the fact that I have these five senses tells me something about God. He wants us to enjoy life and experience pleasure. Physical pleasure in this life. And a lot of it.

Listening to your favorite song is pleasurable.

Viewing a sunset is pleasurable.

Smelling freshly baked cinnamon rolls is pleasurable.

Tasting one is even more pleasurable.

Kissing someone is pleasurable.

I just can’t get away from the fact that our fives senses are wired by God to experience the pleasures of this physical world He created for us. That tells me He wants us to enjoy it. That it might even give Him pleasure to watch us receive pleasure from all He has given us.

Granted, we can take pleasure too far. We can misuse it and we can abuse it. We can even make it into a god or an idol, something we bow down to and worship. And that’s when we get into trouble. When our desire for physical pleasure goes too far and becomes an addiction.

Fortunately, God gives us commandments that teach us how to live in this physical world. His laws protect us and provide for us. As we walk according to His ways, we discover freedom and maximum pleasure. His commands aren’t meant to rob us of fun and pleasure–they’re meant to provide it!

So will heaven be better than this life?

I used to think it wouldn’t be. I mean I knew it would be or that I was at least supposed to believe it would be, but again, my heart wasn’t really in it. The idea of floating around in some spiritual dimension didn’t really have much appeal to me. It sounded boring. Don’t get me wrong, heaven was definitely better than the alternative, but not something to really get excited about.

But did you know that heaven will be on earth? That we’ll have bodies? That we’ll eat and drink? That we’ll enjoy living in friendship with others and with God? On earth?

Read Genesis 1 and 2. And read Revelation 21 and 22. Those are the first two and last two chapters of the Bible. It gives us a glimpse of what it was supposed to be like and what God will restore it to. Notice the similarities in those four chapters.

If you ever long for what you don’t have or wish friendships were more fulfilling or loved ones didn’t die or wars were never fought or rivers were never polluted, then what you’re longing for is what used to be and what will be again…on this earth.

God created us to live in friendship with Him. Here on earth. The plan got messed up when Satan tempted Adam and Eve to go their own way rather than God’s way. But God hasn’t given up on the original design. He’s going to restore it and make it all new.

And we’ll live with Him. In friendship. Here on earth. Experiencing all the pleasures these bodies were designed to receive. And it will be better than anything we can imagine.

In the meantime, we experience life on earth and walk with God by faith. And we get glimpses of what’s to come when we enjoy a beautiful sunset or walk along a beach. Or when we enjoy a delicious meal and great conversation with friends. Or when a husband and wife make love.

Life on earth in the heavenly kingdom will be amazing, but it doesn’t mean this life now doesn’t matter. It’s a gift from God to be enjoyed.

We’re wired by God for pleasure and He’s graciously given us His word to provide for us and protect us.

Your Worldview

Who or what shapes your worldview? By “worldview”, I simply mean how you look at life, the lens through which you the view the world around you and make your choices.

For example, how do you decide how to spend your money? How do you decide if it even is your money?

What is your view of sex? Is it a pleasure to be enjoyed with whomever you want, whenever you want? Is it just between a man and a woman?

How do you determine who you will vote for? Are there any principles you won’t compromise on?

What about war? Is it wrong? Is it ever justified?

What about abortion? Evolution? Suicide? The poor? The wealthy? What are your views?

And what are the primary influences on the worldview you’ve adopted?

Maybe it’s not something you’ve given much thought, but stop for a moment and think about it. Who is shaping your belief system?

Most of us would give some credit to our parents (either good or bad), our teachers and our friends. There are many other influences though, like television programs, commercials, news sources (CNN, newspapers, websites, etc.), government, books and magazines…and the list could go on.

What’s really interesting to me is an exchange Jesus has with Satan in Matthew 4 and what it can tell us about how our worldview is shaped. Jesus has been in the desert fasting for 40 days when Satan comes along and begins to tempt Him. The final temptation went like this:

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’”

Satan offers to give Jesus all the kingdoms of the world if He’ll just bow down and worship him. Jesus rebukes Satan and quotes a verse from Deuteronomy 6 about worshiping and serving only God.

Did you notice that Jesus doesn’t just laugh at Satan and say something like, “You?! You think you’re going to give me all these kingdoms? They’re not even yours to give!”

Jesus doesn’t do that. Apparently, Satan had the authority to give those kingdoms. 1 John 5:19 says, “We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one.”

Something big happened in the garden. God had given Adam and Eve responsibility to manage planet earth for Him. They were to be fruitful, increase on the earth, subdue it and rule over the animal kingdom. When they disobeyed God and instead listened to Satan, it’s as if the title deed to earth was signed over to Satan.

Is God ultimately in charge? Absolutely. But I believe God places an extremely high value on our ability to make choices. (I talked about that in my last post.) God doesn’t step in and override our decisions every time we make a bad choice. He doesn’t do it with me. He doesn’t do it with you. And He didn’t do it with Adam and Eve.

Unfortunately, their choice put Satan in a position to heavily influence this world. John even tells us the whole world is under his control. Governments, media outlets, schools, the internet, etc.–they are all a part of this world system that is under the enemy’s control. That doesn’t mean there aren’t good people involved, but this world system is generally bent away from God.

So let’s go back to my original question. Who or what shapes your worldview? Is it primarily shaped by this world system?

Or are you filling your mind with God’s word, so that He is the One who is shaping your worldview?

We live in enemy territory for now. It won’t always be that way. One day Christ will return and set things right, but until then, the whole world is under the control of the evil one. And he will do everything within his power to encourage and entice you to make choices that move you away from God, not toward Him, to live your life according to the world’s values, not God’s.

God’s kingdom and this world system stand opposed to each other. They operate on very different values and principles.

So which set of values and principles are you living by?

If you spend little time in God’s word, then we already have the answer.

Marriage God’s Way

Some random thoughts on marriage from James 3:13-4:7….

Unmet or conflicting desires can lead to fighting. When you put your own wants and desires before your spouse’s, there will inevitably be conflict.

The world’s plan is to put our own needs before our spouse’s needs. James 3:13-18, tells us this will be characterized by envy and selfish ambition. The result is “disorder and every evil practice.”

Patterns of living according to the world’s ways can run deep. What we learned as children from our parents can be very, very tough to unlearn or overcome. Continuing to live according to the world’s plans as an adult will only lead to a very unhealthy and ultimately unsuccessful marriage.

When I spend little time seeking God by reading His word and talking with Him, I will naturally follow the world’s plan for my life. I will pursue my plans, my goals and my desires. James 4:4 compares this type of living to committing adultery against God. When I choose to be a friend of the world, I become an enemy of God. And you never want to have God as your enemy.

Anger and/or depression may be a signal of a wrong or blocked desire or goal. Sometimes it’s a legitimate desire being blocked by a sinful spouse. Sometimes it’s an illegitimate desire being blocked by God. James 4:6 says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Yes, God opposes us when we choose to do things our own way and live according to our own plans and desires. Going our own way is the essence of pride.

Pride is what led to Satan’s rebellion against God. It is what leads to “disorder and every evil practice.” The only solution is found in James 4:7, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” We will either submit to God and resist the devil or submit to the devil and resist God.

There are four types of marriages:

The husband has submitted to God and the wife has submitted to God. This relationship is characterized by putting the other’s needs first. The atmosphere of the marriage will be pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. It doesn’t mean everything will always be smooth and free of conflict, but it does mean God is present, at work in both people and the ultimate goal is to please God and advance His kingdom. Together.

The husband has not submitted to God and the wife has not submitted to God. In this relationship, both husband and wife are striving to get their needs met first. This type of relationship is “earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.” There will be envy and selfish ambition, resulting in “disorder and every evil practice.” Does it mean there will never be moments of happiness? No, but this type of marriage will always fall short of God’s intended design, because it’s based on worldly, not godly principles. And most likely, this marriage will fail to last.

The husband has submitted to God, but the wife has not submitted to God. This is a marriage being lived out under conflicting worldviews. The husband is putting God before himself, but the wife is putting herself before God. The husband will most likely feel frustrated by having certain desires, and even needs, go unmet. As far as experiencing all that God intends for them both individually and as a couple, it’s like having a 6-cylinder car that’s only firing on three cylinders. It’ll run, but it’s a slow, rough ride and not very enjoyable.

The husband has not submitted to God, but the wife has submitted to God. Same situation as above, but because the husband is charged with providing leadership in the family and is not, the long-term consequences are worse in this situation. It’s not just the marriage that’s effected, but the children and successive generations.

Sadly, when one spouse chooses to not submit to God, it makes life much more difficult for the spouse who has chosen to live according to God’s ways. The sin of the prideful spouse infects the entire marriage.

Not living in submission to God doesn’t always have to look like active rebellion. It can also manifest as passive indifference. One spouse may be trying to walk obediently with God, but still be indifferent to a spouse’s needs. He or she may not even be aware of this until it is pointed out. Once it’s pointed out though, it becomes sinful to not lovingly meet the legitimate needs of the other.

The more opposite you are from your spouse the more awkward it will feel to express love in the way your spouse can receive it. And if you are not living in submission to God, then you will have little desire and no power to choose to love your spouse.

For example, if a wife is task-oriented, detailed and organized–she may feel more loved by a husband who comes home on time, balances the checkbook to the penny and takes out the garbage on time. If he ignores those things and instead writes her a love note and brings her flowers, she will probably feel misunderstood and even resentful.

The same is true of the wife who tirelessly keeps the house clean, cooks from scratch, does the laundry every night and has the household budget in line, but is so wiped out by 8:00 p.m. she has little energy left for her husband. It may be that he’d prefer dirty floors, piles of laundry and a sandwich for dinner if it means having an energetic wife at bedtime. Of course, the better scenario would be a husband who recognizes her desire to have a clean house and who helps out more with household chores, so she can relax both physically and emotionally.

Regardless of the situation you find yourself in today, the best response is always to submit to God. You can’t change your spouse, but you can cooperate with God to change you.

Submit to God, love your spouse with His power and trust Him to work in your spouse’s life.

10 Ways to Build a Stronger Marriage

During my senior year of high school football, we were getting ready to play Southern Regional. All week, our coaches told us to watch out for the “sleeper play.” More specifically, as a cornerback, I was to watch out for the sleeper play.

What Southern Regional would do is break the huddle and line up on offense to run a play. Then at the very last moment right before the snap of the ball, they would sneak a player onto the field who would stand just inches inside the out of bounds line. He would then run down the sideline and catch a deep pass.

It was drilled into us (me!) over and over that week–look for the sleeper play!

After we punted on our first possession, Southern Regional lined up for their first offensive play. The receiver I was covering ran a post pattern, which meant he cut over toward the middle of the field. As I cut to go with him, I watched as the quarterback through the ball deep toward the sideline on my side of the field.

I’d forgotten to check for the sleeper play.

Southern Regional went up 7-0. Fortunately, we won the game 21-7, but I’ve never forgotten making that mistake. I knew what to do–I just didn’t do it. I forgot my assignment. I didn’t execute the plan and it cost us a touchdown.

Life can be that way, too. So can marriage. We know what to do. We’ve been told over and over. But somehow the most important things still seem to slip away from us.

Maybe today’s a good day to be reminded of some of the foundational elements of a successful life and marriage. Here are 10 ways to build a stronger marriage beginning right now:

1. Unconditionally Surrender. (Romans 12:1-2) The foundation of a successful life and marriage begins with surrender to God. We will never experience God’s best by doing life our way.

2. See your spouse as God’s perfect gift to you. (Genesis 2:18-25) Rejecting your spouse says much more about your view of God than it does your view of your spouse.

3. Commit to be the best husband or wife you can be. Make it your goal. What’s your alternative, really? Be average? Or pretty good?

4. Be together. Work, soccer games, hobbies, church activities–they can all pull us apart if we’re not careful. Choose to spend time together. Workout together. Cook together. Walk together. Volunteer together. Find what works for you…and be together.

5. Pray together. I confess this is still a weakness for me, but I’m trying to be more consistent. You don’t have to pray long, eloquent prayers. Maybe you just need to start with, “Lord, thank you for my husband/wife. Amen.”

6. Be a student of your spouse to learn his/her needs, then outdo each other in meeting them. Make it a competition if you want to. See who can meet more needs. What does your spouse need from you today? Encouragement? Affection? A love note? A back rub? Some time alone? Some time together? Sex? Learn your spouse’s needs, then go all out meeting them.

7. Don’t be a jerk. Specifically, watch your words and your expectations. Do you talk more than you listen? Are you defensive? Is your tone of voice often rude or angry? Are your expectations unreasonable? Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes for a moment…or a day. I say that especially to us men. Guys, our wives have a much harder job than we do. And that leads to…

8. Give grace. A lot of it. We all make mistakes. We all sin. We all need forgiveness. We all need grace. Overlook an offense. Don’t make an issue out of everything.

9. Make sex and romance a priority. If you have a lower sex drive than your spouse, then this will require more effort on your part. And I’m not just talking to wives. I seem to hear more and more about wives who have a higher sex drive than their husbands. The most important thing you can do is communicate with each other and be honest about your needs. Ask God to help you in this area. Don’t ever forget that sex was God’s idea. He gave it to us as a gift and wants you to enjoy it.

Now let me address husband for a moment. Guys, if your wife doesn’t seem very responsive to your sexual needs, then maybe she needs to experience more emotional connection with you. That comes through time together and talking. Go back and read numbers 4, 5 and 6 again.

10. Spice things up. Here are a few things to think about:

• Flirt with each other. Send text messages. Leave voice mails. Leave notes for each other. Build anticipation for when you’ll be together. If you don’t flirt with your spouse, then maybe someone else will.
• Dressing modestly is fine in public, but the bedroom is a “No Modesty Zone.” Maybe it’s time to throw away the worn out pajamas and make a trip to Victoria’s Secret.
• Try this experiment for one week: take the mental energy you’d normally invest in kids activities or fantasy football or golf or spending time on Facebook and use all that time and energy to focus on meeting your spouse’s needs. That should spice things up nicely.

What other ideas do you have?

Warnings

Have you ever read the Old Testament and wondered how God could just wipe people out? I mean there’s the the flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, Jericho and all the nations in the land of Canaan.

It just seems like lots of innocent people are suddenly killed as a result of God’s orders. Where’s the God of love and patience? Where’s the grace and mercy?

Let’s take a look, beginning with the fact that there are a couple of wrong assumptions in what I’ve just said. First, no one is innocent. Paul wrote to the church in Rome:

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.”

From the youngest child to the oldest adult–no one is innocent. Not. Even. One. “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…”

Second, God doesn’t “suddenly” wipe people out. He is always patient. In the case of the Amorites who occupied the land of Canaan, God waited hundreds of years before judging them. They had centuries to turn from their evil ways, which by the way, included sacrificing their own children. Not so innocent, huh?

In 2 Kings 17, Israel is attacked and taken into captivity by the Assyrian empire. God makes clear to Israel why this happened. Because they had sinned against Him by worshiping other gods, something He had repeatedly warned them not to do.

The Lord warned Israel and Judah through all His prophets and seers: “Turn from your evil ways. Observe my commands and decrees…” 2 Kings 17:13

They rejected His decrees and the covenant He had made with their fathers and the warnings He had given them. 2 Kings 17:15

The Israelites persisted in all the sins of Jeroboam and did not turn from them until the Lord removed them from His presence, as He had warned through all His servants the prophets.” 2 Kings 17:23

Has God been warning you? Is there an area of your life He has put His finger on?

Is it a relationship? One you need to end? One you need to restore? One you need to persevere in?

Is it your finances? Has God been telling you to give? Or stop using credit cards? Is there a debt you need to repay?

Is it your health? Do you need to eat better? Begin exercising? Rest more? Work less?

Is it a sinful habit? A habit that’s now become an addiction.

I find that God will warn me in multiple ways. It could be through His word. Or a phone call from a friend. Maybe through a sermon or podcast. Or it could be difficult circumstances or a medical condition that will only get worse if ignored.

Now I’m not suggesting He’s going to wipe you out if you continue to ignore Him. Based on my own sin and stubbornness, I can tell you He’s very, very patient and full of grace and mercy.

At the heart of our sin is unbelief. We persist in going our own way and ignore God’s warnings, because we simply do not believe Him. We assume we know what is best for us. We think our plans for our lives are better than His.

We’re wrong though. We’re arrogant too. How foolish of us to ever think we know better than God.

The only answer is to take His warnings to heart, turn from our own way and follow Him.

No matter what He’s warning you about, no matter what He’s telling you to do–it is always in your best interest to obey Him.

10 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage

It was 26 years ago today that God blessed me with the gift of my wife, Robyn. If she was all the evidence I had, I would conclude that God is good, loving, kind, gracious and generous.

In honor of our 26 years together, here are 10 simple ways to strengthen your marriage starting today. Note that I said simple, not easy.

1. Meet your spouse’s needs. First, you need to know what they are. Become a student of your spouse to find out. Write down everything you learn. Then start meeting those needs.

Like I said–it’s that simple, just not easy.

If you’re trying to come up with some needs, here are a few to get things kick-started: conversation, alone time, words of encouragement, romance, a hug, quality time with you, help with the housework, sex, a weekend away, an extra hour of sleep, respect, a phone call “just because”, a massage, etc.

Keep in mind, you’re looking for your spouse’s needs, not your needs. Also, while you’re at it, discover some wants and meet those, too.

2. Be third. God first. Spouse second. You third.

I know you also have needs and wants that aren’t being met and you may be giving a lot more than your spouse, but choose to meet your spouse’s needs even if yours aren’t being met.

What’s the alternative? Pull back and wait until your spouse goes first?

How well do you think that’s going to work?

I know it won’t be easy, but you will reap what you sow. Be the bigger person and begin serving your spouse. See what God does.

3. Pray together. If this is a scary thought to you, then start small. Before you go to sleep tonight, hold hands and say, “Lord, thank you for my husband/wife.” If it’s not so scary, then take a few minutes to pray for each other.

4. Believe God. Difficulties are inevitable, so learning how to deal with them as a couple is critical. The most important thing you can do is focus your attention on God, not your circumstances. Your financial crisis, medical issue or rebellious child may seem overwhelming, but it’s not to God. He has a solution and He has peace for you. Read Hebrews 11:6 and Philippians 4:6-8.

Choose to trust Him and not give in to worry, fear and anxiety. Those negative emotions will only poison your marriage.

How do you begin believing God, not your circumstances? There’s no substitute for spending time reading the Bible. In it, God has revealed Himself, His purposes and His ways. As we discover who God is and how He works, our capacity to trust Him is enlarged. Difficult circumstances no longer seem insurmountable when seen through God’s eyes.

5. Decide to be the best. About 18 months into marriage, Robyn and I attended a “Weekend to Remember” marriage conference. During that weekend, I realized what a poor job I was doing as her husband. Of course, I only realized it after Robyn lovingly and graciously told me.

That weekend, I decided then to be the best husband I could be. That was in 1987. While I’m far from perfect, I’m much further along than had I never made that decision.

6. Give grace. Your spouse is going to blow it. A lot. What are you going to do then? Keep score? Hold a grudge? Punish? Where will that get you?

What if instead, you gave grace and forgiveness? The way God does to us. What if you chose to treat your spouse the way you want to be treated when you fail? Again, I know this isn’t easy, but that leads to the next point…

7. Be filled with the Holy Spirit. In Ephesians 5, Paul gives instructions to husbands and wives. It’s some heavy stuff. And in our own strength, it’s impossible stuff. So prior to giving those instructions, in verse 18, he says, “…be filled with the Holy Spirit.”

To be filled with the Holy Spirit means to be under his influence. In fact, Paul compares being drunk to being filled with the Spirit. When someone is drunk, they speak and act in a way that indicates they’re under the influence of alcohol. When we are under the influence of the Holy Spirit, we will speak and act like He desires.

How can you be filled with the Holy Spirit? Simply by surrendering control of your life to Him. You can be in control or He can be. You both can’t be and He’s not going to fight you for control. He’s going to wait for you to give it to Him. When you do, you will experience His wisdom, power and favor in your life.

8. Get healthy. You can’t change your spouse, but you can change yourself. Actually, even changing ourselves is tough. We need help. Read #7 again.

Then commit to getting healthy both physically and emotionally. If you’re not eating right or exercising, then you won’t feel well. If you don’t feel well, you won’t have the energy to invest in your marriage.

Good emotional health is also essential. If your leg is broken, you’ll have an extremely difficult time running a mile. It would be painfully obvious that what you need is a doctor to set your leg in a cast, so you can heal.

The problem with our emotional health is the broken things are less obvious. The consequences are no less serious though. If you’re walking around with unresolved issues from your childhood, hurt and resentment from a previous marriage, a bad experience in a legalistic church or some other emotionally traumatic event, then you do not have the emotional health required for a successful marriage. You just don’t, so get help.

How do you know if you need help?

• If you often feel angry, anxious or depressed–you need help.
• If you need _______________ to feel good, relieve stress, unwind or shake off a bad day–you need help. Put whatever you want in the blank: food, alcohol, drugs, pornography, shopping, sex, gambling, chocolate, etc.
• If you often feel guilty or ashamed–you need help.
• If you are verbally abusive to your spouse–you need help.
• If you’ve ever hit your spouse (or been hit)–you need help.
• If you’ve lost any hope of your situation getting better–you need help.

Talk to your pastor or find a Christian counselor and make an appointment. Do it today. You’ll be stuck until you do.

9. Be playful. Sure marriage takes some work, but it doesn’t have to be all work. Lighten up a little. Have fun with each other. Take a walk. Take dancing lessons. Take a shower (together). Go on a bike ride. Cook together. Send each other suggestive text messages. Go to a dollar store and buy each other five gifts. Exchange them over coffee and dessert. Play a game. Put the kids to bed early, order Chinese food and watch a funny movie.

Just enjoy each other and laugh together. Like when you were dating.

10. Get away. If you can afford it, spend a couple nights in a bed and breakfast or hotel. Don’t take any work. Leave the laptop at home. Turn off your phones. Focus on each other. Enjoy delicious meals. Take walks. Talk about your dreams.

Just get out of the normal routine of life for a day or two. Longer, if you can.

If you can’t remember the last time you got away, then schedule something now.

Obviously, these all work better and more quickly if you both commit to do them, but don’t wait for your spouse. (Read #2 again.) Do what you know to do. Start right now. Trust God with the results.

Okay, here’s a bonus one:

11. Be your spouse’s biggest fan. While you’re studying your spouse looking for needs, also be on the lookout for strengths. What is your spouse good at? What do they enjoy doing? What are they passionate about? What gets them excited?

Once you have those answers, encourage them to pursue those activities, ideas or dreams. Cheer them on. Help them. Help find the resources to make it happen. Do whatever you can to help the vision become reality.

As often as you can, say, “I’m so proud of you.”

The Real Issue

In John 4, Jesus is tired and sits down near a well while His disciples go into town to buy some food. Read the story here.

Now just imagine how weary you would feel having to put up with the disciples nonsense 24/7. Fortunately, Jesus is more interested in the woman who comes to draw water than He is in being able to relax for a few minutes.

If you’re familiar with the story, you know Jesus starts a conversation by simply asking, “Will you give me a drink?”

As they begin to talk, Jesus intentionally guides the conversation toward deep truths about the woman and about Himself. She, on the other hand, seems to want to keep the conversation at the surface. She doesn’t really want Jesus getting personal.

Do you do that? Do you try to keep Jesus from digging down to the real issue in your life?

You’ve asked God to help you control your temper, find a job, stop worrying, get over your pornography addiction or make your spouse more attentive to your needs. But maybe God wants to deal with the real issue that lies beneath each of those requests.

What if you’re angry because when others disappoint you it reminds you of how many times your father disappointed you when you were a child?

Maybe you’ve believed the lie that you’ll only feel valuable and significant if you have an important job.

Or you struggle with pornography because you replaced God with sex as the #1 priority in your life. And now sex has become an idol that has enslaved you.

Rather than deal with the real issues, we prefer to keep Jesus at arms-length where He can’t dig too deeply. We’d rather talk about which mountain is the right one to worship on instead of the fact that we’re worshiping all the wrong things in the first place: money, sex, television, media, food, clothes, cars, houses, what others think about us, etc.

What if the next time you got alone and started to pray, God interrupted you and said, “Excuse me. I know that feels very important to you, but I really think we need to talk about something else today. That thing you keep avoiding. You know what I’m talking about. Let’s get it on the table and deal with the real issue.”

What would “it” be for you? What’s the real issue?

If you know, then maybe God just brought it up and now is the time to deal with it.

If you don’t know what it is, then ask Him.

Life to the Full

In John 10:10, Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Today, His desire is that you experience life to the full. Not just a little life. Not some or most of life. He wants you to experience life to the full.

I think if we’re honest, most of us would say we’re not experiencing life to the full. So what’s gone wrong?

I actually only quoted the second half of John 10:10. The first half says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” Jesus desires to give us life to the full, but Satan also has a desire and that’s to steal from us, kill us and destroy us.

In Romans 8:5-8, Paul gives us some insight into how this happens:

⁵ Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶ The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷ The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. ⁸ Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

If you have placed your faith in Christ to forgive your sin, then your old, sinful nature died. You now have a new nature that is alive and able to relate to God. But we still have this part of us called “the flesh” that hangs around. It’s that internal desire that still wants to resist God.

Think of the flesh as that part of us that wants to get legitimate needs met in illegitimate ways. God has created us with healthy appetites and desires for love, sex, food, significance, pleasure, etc. And God has also prescribed healthy boundaries around each of those to protect us and provide for us.

For example, sex is an incredible gift from God. It’s meant to join a husband and wife on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. Within marriage, it’s a gift to be enjoyed with great freedom and frequency. That’s the boundary that God has put in place: marriage.

So what does Satan attempt to do? He uses this world system to appeal to our flesh to step outside the boundary. Just as he tempted Eve to eat what God had forbidden, he whispers to the single person, “Did God really say not to have sex? Come on, God didn’t really mean that. If you really care about the person, then it’s okay to do it. Go ahead, you’ll see…”

Or he’ll tempt a husband or wife to stray outside their marriage. “If you’re spouse isn’t going to meet your needs, then you deserve this. No one will find out. You’re not the one who’s at fault anyway.”

It’s a battle for control of our minds. If we set our minds on the flesh, then we will live according to the flesh. The more time and attention we give to the flesh, the stronger it gets and the harder it is to resist.

Satan appeals to our flesh. He tempts us to get our needs met on his terms, not God’s.

What Satan doesn’t tell us is that what he’s tempting us to do will eventually lead to death. Death of a relationship. Death of a family. Death of our reputation. Death of our fellowship with God.

Satan’s temptations wouldn’t be effective if he ever told us the truth, would it? No one would willingly choose death. But he’s a deceiver and a liar, so he never tells us that feeding our flesh by getting our needs met outside of God’s boundaries leads to bondage, addiction and death.

God’s plan is for life though. Those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires and it leads to life and peace. As we set our minds on the Spirit’s desires, we grow stronger. We know God better. We trust Him more. We experience more of His power. We become more and more like Christ. Our minds come under God’s control.

We all get to decide today whether we’re going to feed the flesh or feed the Spirit. The one we feed more gets stronger.

Many of us find ourselves entrenched in sin with little hope of escape. We’ve been in bondage to it for so long that it has defined us. We’ve tried to get out and maybe even experience success for a few days or even weeks, but then we’re right back into it and feel worse than ever.

Maybe your desire for sin feels so strong because your desire for God feels so weak. Yes, you need to do your best to stop feeding the flesh, but at the same time, you need to be feeding the Spirit.

It’s probably a good idea to watch less television and spend less time on the internet, but just trying to starve the flesh isn’t enough. Also spend generous amounts of time in God’s word, so you’ll begin to think His thoughts, not the world’s.

If your iPod is loaded with garbage–remove it and replace it with some really good worship music.

If you have “friends” who aren’t a very good influence, then make the wise choice to move on and find real friends who will encourage your relationship with God, not tempt and encourage you to sin.

Life to the full is yours. Jesus desires it for you. You and I just have to want it more than we want the desires of the flesh.

Remember, it’s a battle for your mind. Whoever gets control of your mind wins.

What Were They Thinking?!

Have you ever heard of someone making a really stupid decision and asked yourself, “What were they thinking?”

You really don’t have to look very far to find those people. In just the last few days, we have…

Charlie Sheen. Hollywood star. His incoherent rants in the last couple of weeks cost him his $2 million per episode contract.

Jim Tressel. Ohio State football coach. Lied to the NCAA about information he was aware of concerning some of his players. He’s been suspended by Ohio State for two games and fined $250,000. The NCAA won’t be so kind.

Tiki Barber. Former NFL running back and broadcaster for NBC. Left his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, for a 23-year-old NBC intern. NBC fired him from his $300,000 a year job. Now Tiki is trying to get back into football four years after he retired. He needs the money.

Of course, we could compile a long list of pastors and Christian leaders who have been equally as dumb.

And just in case you think I’m pointing a finger, I don’t need to look any further than the mirror to find someone who does really stupid things. There’s no one who has even come close to giving me as much trouble as I’ve given myself.

What were we thinking?

Yesterday, we looked at Deuteronomy 4:1-2.

Today, we’ll pick up the next two verses…

You saw with your own eyes what the LORD did at Baal Peor. The LORD your God destroyed from among you everyone who followed the Baal of Peor, but all of you who held fast to the LORD your God are still alive today.

Moses is passing on God’s commands to Israel right before they cross into the Promised Land. In these two verses, he’s reminding them of what they saw God do at Baal Peor. He destroyed the Israelites who followed the Baal of Peor.

Well, what does all that mean?

To find out, we need to go back to Numbers 25:1-3…

While Israel was staying in Shittim, the men began to indulge in sexual immorality with Moabite women, who invited them to the sacrifices to their gods. The people ate and bowed down before these gods. So Israel joined in worshiping the Baal of Peor. And the LORD’s anger burned against them.

The region of Shittim is just across the Jordan River from Jericho–the first city the Israelites would attack after crossing into the Promised Land. They are camped out here 40+ years into their journey through the desert. In other words, they are SO close to making it out of the desert and into the good land God has promised to give them.

But there’s a problem. Some of the men are seduced by women living in that region. The women invite the Israelite men to come sacrifice to their god, Baal of Peor. Worshiping this god is thought to have required “sensual indulgence.” The men indulged in sexual immorality with the Moabite women and worshiped their foreign god.

And God’s anger burned against them. And 24,000 of them died from a plague.

We really don’t have to go very far to find out why this was such a serious violation. The first two of the 10 commandments are:

“I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

“You shall have no other gods before me.

“You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

What were they thinking? They were so close. They endured so much. They had so much to look forward to. They had everything going for them.

And yet…they were stupid. They were unfaithful to their God. Just when everything they’d waited for was within reach.

I suspect that these 24,000 men didn’t suddenly decide to abandon God. Like you and me, it was gradual. One decision, one day at a time. They weren’t quite so intent on seeking God. Their eyes, their hearts, their minds wandered. They wanted other things more than they wanted God.

Do you relate? I do.

Maybe this season of Lent is the time to turn away from those things that keep grabbing for our attention, those things (and people?) that keep us from being faithful to the one true God.